Just how good is Groovy Druid's advice?
Does he postulate a system that Aspies can run in their mind, at the same time as observing the nonverbal cues to flirting? It seems to me "doing both at once"--observing and running a logical system--would be difficult for an Aspie, as we have very limited space to work with in social interaction. In other words, we're good at one thing at a time.
Ian, he's a poseur who posted on WrongPlanet some time ago with dating advice. I think EvilZakkie is well on the right track with his advice.
This is his post,
http://www.wrongplanet.net/article297.html
Of his sources cited, two of the three works (applicable to men looking for women) have very strong connotations of "getting into her heart to get into something else". It is very unfortunate that very many people in Western culture have their heart misplaced in the pelvis of either gender, but it does not negate the importance of nonverbal communication in making her notice you and accept you.
It is learned behavior, and yes, high functioning Aspergians are probably the most likely to be able to make it work. By high functioning it usually means we already have many components of NT life such as
1. income permitting independent living
2. employment approximating our intelligence, if not our formal education
3. the ability to drive a car, and either the ability to rent one as needed, or owning one
4. health insurance
5. saving for retirement, etc.
But at least I know that us high functioning Aspergians are able to expend a considerable amount of mental energy to follow a person's facial signals and other gestures, and so on. It requires concentration, yes, and is tiring but it can be done.
Sounds far too bothersome to me. I also dislike the idea of manipulating people just to sex with them. One of the most important dating tips I could suggest to men is don't be boring and stodgy. Having a good sense of humour and the ability to make a woman laugh is a wonderful thing.
Being self-supporting is a plus, but having a big bank balance but being tight with money isn't usually, well not unless they are very much the same way too.
To be quite frank and honest, I'm not down with the kind of advice EvilZakkie is talking about. My heart IS misplaced in my pelvis, probably--let's be damned honest here, folks. So crucify me.
The reason I say this is because I can BARELY handle emotions.. either positive (love, affection, etc) or negative (anger, sadness, etc). I either have them turned off or they flow all the way to the ceiling, this is an AS problem for me.
Yeah I suppose this is wrong of me but I know I cannot handle a traditional relationship. So what am I looking for? I don't know.
How can I go into a relationship seeking love (which I am not.. because I cannot handle deep emotions) and hoping I can go "further" later on? This seems fake to me, and as AS person, I would not be capable of "acting" interested.
I expect a lot of criticism and talk about me being a chauvinist, but can I at least get some points for HONESTY ?
I have tried emotions in the past and found it destructive to my health. I cannot handle the idea of a relationship.
To be quite frank and honest, I'm not down with the kind of advice EvilZakkie is talking about. My heart IS misplaced in my pelvis, probably--let's be damned honest here, folks. So crucify me.
The reason I say this is because I can BARELY handle emotions.. either positive (love, affection, etc) or negative (anger, sadness, etc). I either have them turned off or they flow all the way to the ceiling, this is an AS problem for me.
Yeah I suppose this is wrong of me but I know I cannot handle a traditional relationship. So what am I looking for? I don't know.
How can I go into a relationship seeking love (which I am not.. because I cannot handle deep emotions) and hoping I can go "further" later on? This seems fake to me, and as AS person, I would not be capable of "acting" interested.
I expect a lot of criticism and talk about me being a chauvinist, but can I at least get some points for HONESTY ?
I have tried emotions in the past and found it destructive to my health. I cannot handle the idea of a relationship.
Nope, not at all - as long as no-one is being misled, there's absolutely nothing wrong with sex for its own sake. The stuff I said above mostly applies to relationships rather than one night stands.
As far as one night stands go (and I'm not an expert, so if someone has better advice, feel free to jump in), adult match maker sites are probably a good place, as the traditional "nightclub" scene isn't really Aspie friendly - not to mention that it's easier to tell that both people are after the same thing.
The first point above still works - Work with what you have, as an introvert is just as interesting as an extrovert, but a fraud can be spotted a mile away.
Actually, reading through the list, most would still work, as you'd still have to meet the person and get along with them - the only one that wouldn't apply is the need to get along with their friends. Also, the bar wouldn't be quite as high for a one night stand or "friends with benefits" arrangement.
The other thing to make sure of is that your profile is unique, rather than just impressive - there's thousands of profiles that make a person sound "fun" in the usual sort of way, and I imagine most would be ignored. Be unique, talk about your actual interests rather than something that you think will sound impressive, and someone will connect with something you say...
Just some thoughts.
Just how good is Groovy Druid's advice?
Just read the Groovy Druid piece - it doesn't really seem to have much information aside from eye contact stuff...
As far as one night stands go (and I'm not an expert, so if someone has better advice, feel free to jump in), adult match maker sites are probably a good place, as the traditional "nightclub" scene isn't really Aspie friendly - not to mention that it's easier to tell that both people are after the same thing.
I have tried and/or looked through these adult matchmaker sites before.. three problems--
1. A lot of profiles are of fake women (socks) trying to lure you to other pay sites
2. Quite frankly, these are generally not the kind of people I would like anything to do with--not that I am "better" than any of them, but there's a certain overly liberal nature that really turns me off
3. Or they are just very unattractive physically, and I'm not one to lie about that being a problem. That's a problem for me.
So, I'm left between a rock and a hard place.
Batman, sounds as if "friend with benefits" would suit you but I'm not quite sure how you would find such a lady. I'd certainly steer clear of adult matchmaker sites because there are too many predators in those. Maybe if you had any hobbies or interests, you might meet somebody through them?
I think you've hit the nail on the head, with that statement. But you're right... I have no idea how I'd find such a lady.
My brother had dated a wonderful very intelligent (different kind of) woman but the woman's friend advised her to lose my brother.
Why? Because he's a computer programmer with a probable diagnosis of Asperger?
Given that he is the brother of a person diagnosed with Asperger syndrome (me) and that our dad and our uncles have very suspicious symptoms regarding social isolation (Dad), women (the uncles and my brother and I), choice of occupation (all of us but Dad), and extreme morality (Dad and I), I'd say his chances of having an Asperger diagnosis, too, are considerably better than average.
My brother had hard feelings over that. It's like "friends don't let friends date nerds"
I don't know. Some young women in their twenties, their reputation is soooo important to them.
Also as my brother suggested, people generally want lovers on a similar or higher social standing as the lovers of their friends- damn social comparison.
Batman- if it helps any I don't think I've ever had much of a traditional relationship... even now I call my relationship with hubby, "functionally dysfunctional". I am not interestsed in being held down by some pre-conceived ideal of what my marriage should be like.
(not saying we don't have problems or that we're really super un-traditional or anything, just that the way we work is different but works for us most of the time...)
Hitch was a great movie, movies like that really make sense of the whole relationship thing, wish they could make one similar for managing other types of relationships.
I've never understood Groovy Druid and his help has never seemed that helpful...
I would presume, like Diet Coke, it's AS with all the bad bits taken out ;p
I guess I must be AS lite then.