I am 18, just turned this age a couple of days ago, even now I dread this. As my birthday was coming up I got scared. I am scared of the independence it signifies, I feel like I can no longer ask my Mom for help with anything, I am afraid that I won't be able to handle everything, and my life will begin to fall apart.I'm not all that great at making decisions, and now I feel as if I have been abandoned. My mom said, "I can't tell you what to do, you're an adult." I cringe at the word adult, it's scary, the freedom is scary, and yet the suffocation of being required to handle business is also scary. I'm still like a child in many ways, so just because a number has changed how I am viewed doesn't really mean anything,to me. Just sharing some of my fears. Sorry, if this isn't exactly uplifting. To help your daughter adjust you should make sure she knows that if she needs help she can always ask you, while some people think this is stifling, for me, it just assures me that I can do things myself, but if I do need help there's someone there to help me. Remind her that growing up is a part of life, it is inevitable. Don't rush her to quickly into the role of an adult when she turns 18, it might scare her, or maybe that's just my opinion. 
As she grows up, slowly treat her like she is older, give her more responsibilities(not too many, can be overwhelming)
At 17, I finally went shopping on my own, I felt so accomplished, I've gone many times with my family, but never for food on my own. It was great, not very difficult, and I felt so grownup, it sounds like a childish activity, but it showed me that I was growing up. Even things like that make us feel grownup, and proud, at least for me. I'm getting over these fears, you're daughter probably will too, and it may not take her as long. Good luck, I mean that in the best possible way.
11-13-2007, 10:36 PM
abbynormal Wrote:
I am also very interested in hearing from Aspie girls on this subject because my 12 year old daughter also does not want to grow up and I need some input on how to help her adjust. She acts immature for her age and constantly giggles at the least little thing, but those things aren't bothersome. I sense a fear in her and I don't know how to alleviate that fear so any suggestions would be very welcomed.
11-13-2007, 10:51 PM
Ethel Wrote:
I did this, sort of.
For me it was mostly not being in touch with changing fashions and what other girls were talking about, and as a result of that not being particularly interested in dressing grown up/sexy from an early age, like many girls are. I didn't 'get' how I was suppsoed to dress. I don't think I ever deliberately dressed younger, but to this day I still wear T-shirts, jeans and sneakers nearly everywhere, so it could look that way. Plus there's your body changing, and a lot of Aspies dont' like change, so there's possibly some inherent trauma there, and by refusing to dress older, it's a way of denying the changes are taking place.
I resisted wearing a bra as long as possible, until nature and gravity intervened. For me it was a combination of not wanting to wear one, and finding them very uncomfortable for (I think) sensory reasons. I'm still very fussy, can't wear anything made of certain fabrics, with lace or wire, seams in the wrong place etc etc. Similarly with shoes - I only wear flatties because I can't walk properly in heels, even little heels, and aren't comfortable in them.
I did a bit of funny dressing of my own, but my family never actually had the kindness to *tell* me I looked silly. I grew out of it. Eventually.
For me it was mostly not being in touch with changing fashions and what other girls were talking about, and as a result of that not being particularly interested in dressing grown up/sexy from an early age, like many girls are. I didn't 'get' how I was suppsoed to dress. I don't think I ever deliberately dressed younger, but to this day I still wear T-shirts, jeans and sneakers nearly everywhere, so it could look that way. Plus there's your body changing, and a lot of Aspies dont' like change, so there's possibly some inherent trauma there, and by refusing to dress older, it's a way of denying the changes are taking place.
I resisted wearing a bra as long as possible, until nature and gravity intervened. For me it was a combination of not wanting to wear one, and finding them very uncomfortable for (I think) sensory reasons. I'm still very fussy, can't wear anything made of certain fabrics, with lace or wire, seams in the wrong place etc etc. Similarly with shoes - I only wear flatties because I can't walk properly in heels, even little heels, and aren't comfortable in them.
I did a bit of funny dressing of my own, but my family never actually had the kindness to *tell* me I looked silly. I grew out of it. Eventually.
Funny dressing,my sister and Mom told me about this when I was younger, "you shouldn't wear this." and "you shouldn't wear that." For about 2 weeks in the beginning of the school year, I tried hard to wear things that were "acceptable" but I couldn't keep being so uncomfortable, so I went back to how I usually dress, which is jeans,a big t-shirt, tennis shoes, and a jacket, not all that weird, but not like a typical teenage girl(though I am eighTEEN now) Whenever I try my own style of wearing "acceptable" clothes, my family asks "what are you wearing?" I thought it was a very cute outfit, apparently NOT.I have yet to grow into grownup clothing.I still look like a teenager, though technically I am an adult.
07-13-2008, 11:12 PM
I just came across this old post and yes, I was scared to death to grow up. My mother wasn't very open with me about things such as menstruation, sex, or anything. I was scared to death, could barely handle the changing hormones, hid everything. I hated wearing a bra, it took me months and months to get used to it. I could share much more with you, but I am officially diagnosed and am now a 31 year old mother of 2. I am happy to answer any questions that you have because I wish to God that someone had helped me when I was growing up. I was only diagnosed a few months ago.
Stacy
Stacy
Ellen Wrote:
Maybe this isn't the best time to post this, as I'm going on vacation Weds., but was wondering if any other parents of Aspie teens have the problem I do with Hope, which is she is terrified of growing up, getting taller, maturing. Tony Attwood does mention this as common amongst young female Aspies.
It causes problems at home for example:
1. She rolls her pants all the way up to her knee or higher because she thinks that makes her look shorter. I notice when I drop her off in the morning some kids chuckle at her behind her back. We have tried and tried to get her to believe us when we tell her she looks ridiculous, to no avail.
2. Yesterday she wouldn't shop for a new bra in the juniors/women's dept. but would only buy a bra in the girls section. She is 16, 103 lbs and about 5'5" tall!
3. She will only wear really flat shoes. That's ok, but even tennis shoes "hold her up too high" as she puts it.
4. I can't call her daughter- she insists on "girl child".
5. Strangers can't say things like "you're growing up" , "you're taller". She doesn't have a meltdown, but gets noticably bothered and asks to change the subject.
6. This is possibly unrelated, but she won't wear sandals 'cause she can't show her feet. I guess she feels her feet are ugly or something.
If you are a female Aspie and were like this growing up, let me know. Did you change? Did you finally relax about all this stuff? What emotionally is at the root of this mindset?
It causes problems at home for example:
1. She rolls her pants all the way up to her knee or higher because she thinks that makes her look shorter. I notice when I drop her off in the morning some kids chuckle at her behind her back. We have tried and tried to get her to believe us when we tell her she looks ridiculous, to no avail.
2. Yesterday she wouldn't shop for a new bra in the juniors/women's dept. but would only buy a bra in the girls section. She is 16, 103 lbs and about 5'5" tall!
3. She will only wear really flat shoes. That's ok, but even tennis shoes "hold her up too high" as she puts it.
4. I can't call her daughter- she insists on "girl child".
5. Strangers can't say things like "you're growing up" , "you're taller". She doesn't have a meltdown, but gets noticably bothered and asks to change the subject.
6. This is possibly unrelated, but she won't wear sandals 'cause she can't show her feet. I guess she feels her feet are ugly or something.
If you are a female Aspie and were like this growing up, let me know. Did you change? Did you finally relax about all this stuff? What emotionally is at the root of this mindset?
07-14-2008, 07:02 AM
I was never too fond of the idea of growing up - added responsibility, college sounded daunting, a job...it just all seemed so overwhelming. now that I'm living it, the only part that I can sya feels overwhelming is school...the freedom, though, is great, being able to drive, etc. But still, I'm alomst 21 and I almost always ask my mom for permission before I go anywhere I don't have to, but it just seems weird not to.
I hated the idea of growing breastd and having to wear a bra. I wanted to stay flat forever - I even remember during sex ed in 4 thgrade I thought "Why can't I be a boy? Then I wouldn't have to worry about all this crap." The idea of my mentrual cycle starting horrified me, but well...it was never a real concern because it onyl happened a few times, and very light for the most part, so it was never much of a bother until I started the pill and they were regular - and thne I recently stopped, so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore (I don't cycle on my own very often, it seems).
So, physically maturing, yes, it caused my anxiety, and I didn't want it to happen. Getting taller, though, weas never an issue as I'm only 5'3" give or take a half in or so. Emotionally, too, growing up seems to be difficult, I feel so childish and helpless sometimes because I just don't seem to be doing the same kinds of thing as easily as others my age.
I hated the idea of growing breastd and having to wear a bra. I wanted to stay flat forever - I even remember during sex ed in 4 thgrade I thought "Why can't I be a boy? Then I wouldn't have to worry about all this crap." The idea of my mentrual cycle starting horrified me, but well...it was never a real concern because it onyl happened a few times, and very light for the most part, so it was never much of a bother until I started the pill and they were regular - and thne I recently stopped, so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore (I don't cycle on my own very often, it seems).
So, physically maturing, yes, it caused my anxiety, and I didn't want it to happen. Getting taller, though, weas never an issue as I'm only 5'3" give or take a half in or so. Emotionally, too, growing up seems to be difficult, I feel so childish and helpless sometimes because I just don't seem to be doing the same kinds of thing as easily as others my age.
07-14-2008, 07:06 AM
Oh yes, forgot to add, the idea of dating, marrying, sex, having a baby, all that stuff, it's always seemed frightening. I even wished that I would be starile and not have to worry abvout having a kid, and if my cycles are any indication, I got my wish Up until recently dating never really appealed to me, oly in the last few weeks have I been thinking of looking for a man. Even then, though, the idea of hacving sex with one just creepes me out, becuase I don't want to be seen naked. Plus the whole sex thing...sometimes I have a desire for it, but not a real need. Just something about the idea of real sex turns me off. I still don't think I'll ever get married, I have no desire for it.
Up until recently dating never really appealed to me, oly in the last few weeks have I been thinking of looking for a man. Even then, though, the idea of hacving sex with one just creepes me out, becuase I don't want to be seen naked. Plus the whole sex thing...sometimes I have a desire for it, but not a real need. Just something about the idea of real sex turns me off. I still don't think I'll ever get married, I have no desire for it.07-30-2008, 02:54 PM
I was not happy about growing up, but felt bad at school becasue the other girls were growing up faster. I didn't even let my mom know I had started my monthy cycle for 6 months- she had to ask- I would have never told!
At age 14 I insisted on home schooling- my parents agreed to do it, and life became so much better, I could be me, in my world, and learn all about the things I was interested in. I was happy that I didn't have to see all the other kids who were my age, yet so different, everyday.
I remeber being happy at age 13 that my mom bought Amish chicken without growth hormones, but when I was about 15 and still looked like a little girl I was unhappy that my mom bought the Amish chicken- I thought that there was a link.
At age 14 I insisted on home schooling- my parents agreed to do it, and life became so much better, I could be me, in my world, and learn all about the things I was interested in. I was happy that I didn't have to see all the other kids who were my age, yet so different, everyday.
I remeber being happy at age 13 that my mom bought Amish chicken without growth hormones, but when I was about 15 and still looked like a little girl I was unhappy that my mom bought the Amish chicken- I thought that there was a link.
11-01-2008, 05:56 AM
To me, aspies often retain a childlike quality throughout their lives so it is only logical that there would be fear of growing up and facing the big bad world and it is getting badder by the minute.
11-01-2008, 11:58 AM
To keep that childlike quality throughout life has much going for it. One will never lose that sense of wonder and amazement at something new. But then some idiot may take advantage of it and destroy ones favourite world. Yes they are out there. Take care.
11-01-2008, 03:01 PM
I can relate a lot!
I hate everything about maturing and womenhood.
I hate everything about maturing and womenhood.
11-02-2008, 06:13 AM
Dorian Gray Wrote:
I can relate a lot!
I hate everything about maturing and womenhood.
I hate everything about maturing and womenhood.
An Aspie friend put it like this "I didn't want to grow up because that meant I wouldn't be able to have fun anymore". Now I know adults can have fun but I believe what she meant was she couldn't have innocent fun anymore and didn't want to be corrupted.
11-02-2008, 08:47 AM
My daughter isn't too thrilled about maturing either. Going going gone are those carefree prepubescent days of hers. Those days I will miss myself for evermore as my little girl grows into a woman.
11-02-2008, 02:07 PM
i have to get my Pooh and Tigger play clothes
made by a place in canada because i won't
wear growedup clothes. its not fair to force me
to wear stupid plain clothes just because I
am a big boy.
made by a place in canada because i won't
wear growedup clothes. its not fair to force me
to wear stupid plain clothes just because I
am a big boy.
11-02-2008, 04:25 PM
TheFartMan Wrote:
i have to get my Pooh and Tigger play clothes
made by a place in canada because i won't
wear growedup clothes. its not fair to force me
to wear stupid plain clothes just because I
am a big boy.
made by a place in canada because i won't
wear growedup clothes. its not fair to force me
to wear stupid plain clothes just because I
am a big boy.
No it isn't fair. Besides, Pooh and Tigger are fun characters.