Aspies For Freedom

I think I can relate to a lot of these things. Basically, I wasn't comfortable with growing up because I had no idea how to deal with that or what rules to follow. I had sort of started to figure out what being a girl was about, and now all the rules were constantly changing.

I dislike hearing things like "you've grown" and I always have. How is one supposed to respond to that? I suppose it would help if I understood what the point of saying it was. It was also frustrating hearing it because the people who said it would still treat me the same. So what was the point of saying something had changed? I just don't understand how that leads to conversation.

As a suggestion for dealing with rolling the pants up, you can show her other ways to not look so tall. Layered shirts of different lengths create horizontal lines that shorten the overall look. (like a tunic length tank top under a regular length t-shirt) I think this is also useful to look less 'sexy', so you can point that out if it might help. Slimmer pants that flare at the bottom shorten the legs, especially if they are a little overlong and paired with a long top. This is because the eye is drawn down by the flare. As long as you aren't standing by anyone else, sometimes low platform shoes can make a person look a little shorter, it does create a cute clunky look (a 'trying to look tall so she must not be' effect goes here).
I don't like to look tall or be taller. I'm used to looking up at people (at 5'3"), if I don't do that my perspective is off and everything feels weird. I take longer to recognize people if I wear taller shoes one day.

I've heard a lot of people who think their feet are ugly. Some of them just think feet in general are ugly. As far as I can tell it isn't uncommon.

For me the problem was understanding how to act in the new 'role'. When you grow up, things are constantly changing and it seems like no one really tells you the important things that are changing. I have no idea when this stops, I think it may never stop changing. It is very hard to figure out what one is supposed to do. How do you act around family now that you look like a teenager instead of a 6 year old? How do you act around friends? Do you talk about different things? Is that okay? Is it allowed? What parts of the store are you allowed in? I know it sounds odd, and I doubt anyone but me took the concept this way. I was terrified I would do something wrong when I "should have known better." Since I didn't have anyone explaining to me what I should have known, I was on my own for figuring out how to act and what everyone expected.

If I'm comfortable with a certain way of relating to the world, I'm going to want to keep that way. I'd have to be convinced there was something positive about taking on a new role and becoming someone a little different from who I was before. It would be a lot easier if I understood any of how things will change.

My very personal suggestion of what helped me deal with growing up and being okay with it was watching Miyazaki films. I recommend "the Cat Returns" and "Kiki's Delivery Service".

I hope any of this was helpful to you. I think the fear of change and growing up is always going to be there, for anyone. But you can give her some tools to help her deal with these fears.

Ellen,

I'm not sure if I'm much help here as my fear of growing up turned into some sort of wierd obsession with it... I guess a special interest of some sort?

But I was the oldest of three girls and my younger sister was only one year behind me in school so I just usually did whatever she did... moreover, if she started doing something that I wasn't doing yet (shaving legs, wearing deoderant) I would start doing it... we always had bad sibling rivalry... plus she was quick to poke fun if I was doing something wrong. "You know everyone calls you a _________ because you don't do this right? You should start doing ________ instead."  It was harsh, but it did do the job...

But I'll agree with some of the other posters that part of the fear of growing up is not knowing where you "fit". Not knowing how to respond to adults anymore. I'll never forget when we went to visit family and my cousins started calling our aunts and uncles by their first names... I was so shocked.   I think it would have been much easier if I had gone to bed at thirteen and woke up a HS graduate... heck, college graduate.

I love the rude half hour... I am stealing it!

I put my foot down on my 12th birthday. I simply refused to become 12.  I screamed at my family "I'm ELEVEN" and stormed off. Refusing to discuss it. It was mostly about change.  Kids change really fast. If a kid can't deal with change, that is difficult. Growing out of favorite items of clothing can be traumatic.  Being told you "wont want toys anymore" or will think differently "when you are older" sounds frightening. You keep getting shoved into new clothes, told you should have a different set of interests, you have a strange  teacher, possibly new classmates and new schools.  All the harder if you are also face blind.  Pets die.  The family changes cars.  It gets hard to feel safe and anchored.

Under it all I was haunted by my biggest fear... of being expected to leave "home" when I got older. Home and my parents were the only thing I could count on to be constant.  It gave me nightmares to know that you're supposed to one day leave "home" and never be living there again and that mom and dad are going to die. Trying to slow down time and hang on sounded much more comforting.  It helped a lot when mom finally told me when I was about 13, "You can live here until you're 30 if you want."  That sounded very far away.

LOL that video was hilarious.  Thanks Tigger_the_Wing

Thanks for all the suggestions everyone!

Hope tells me everything! She'll ask me what a swear word means, 'cause her Dad often loses it if she asks him. She told me once that she flashed a boy, for God's sake! (we had had him over for brunch WITH HIS MOTHER!) I think her friend did it first....

And likewise, we know what we read on your posts and profiles.

You're not fooling anyone here YETTI-TROLL.

i'm confused how is any of this on topic yetti?

I would be mad if I had been uninvited at a public forum too... but lifes hard for a YETTI-TROLL.

your not either Yetti

what hooligism? never hear that word be fore.

Teenage years were the worst. There is danger in every conversation everything you say and do and even if you get it right you can get laughed at.

I remember being asked in the locker room if I was a virgin because I had white knee length socks. At the time I had no idea what the word virgin meant and what the length of your socks had to do with anything!! The whole thing was hugely traumatic, I knew the answer was yes or no but I didn't know is that whatever I answered would be laughed at. What I'm saying is that whatever your daughter does the bullies will find some way to ridicule her, its probably easier to cope with something external like clothes looking wrong.

(What I know now is the answer I gave was correct which means their laughter was just pathetic and mean, which meant I don't have to feel hurt by it any more)

I would say just be there for her, let her be she will find her own way of coping. She needs support and explanations not more pressure in conforming to the majority. I know you are only trying to protect her from ridicule, giving knowledge is the best answer. I used to study womens magazines for the things I needed to know to cope, such as which bands were popular and what was fashionable, its a handy life skill. I still do it now but for my job rather than for life.

I agree with Tenacious

But for the name thing just call her by her actual name is will be something consistant she can cling to.

That's what I thought   

Thank you for responding WfM.

I should subscribe to WFM Radio