I didn't want to grow up either when I was a kid. I wanted to stay wearing girl clothes and I was upset I was very tall, I wore girl pants that were short on me, I refused to read higher grade level books and books for young adults and teens. I even regressed back to being a little kid. I went back to watching little kid shows when I was 12, and I tried to be young as possible. But I got over the fear of growing up when I was 13. Now all I have to worry about now is aging.
What made me fear of growing up was not being able to wear clothes anymore little kids wear and would have to wear boring clothes adults wear and teens wear. More responsibilities, being too old to play on the playground, going trick o treating, playing with toys, watching kids shows, etc. But now that I am a grown up I still watch kid shows sometimes and I like Disney movies. I play on the play ground on occasions but only when it's empty, no kids. I still sleep with juvinale sheets and blankets, I sleep with my baby blanket and stuff animal. You're never too old for videogames, going to the zoo, sleeping with a stuff animal and baby blanket, and you can still like kid stuff. I have heard of grown ups and seen grown ups liking kid stuff and Disney stuff. I don't care about age groups. I got tired of playing with toys and pretend play so I don't do that anymore. I spend my whole time watching TV and doing computer. if I ever have kids and if my child has fear of growing up, I'll be telling him/her they will get tired of playing with toys and get tired of playing on the playground and on toy equipment at some fast food restaurants such as McDonalds. They will see they can still have fun when they are adults. You will never be too old for videogames, going to the zoo, have a water fight, sleeping with your baby blanket or stuff animal and I will also tell them if they still want to watch kid shows they can and tell them I sure did and still do (if I still am at the time in the future).
My daughter doesn't have a diagnosis - but she has strong aspie traits. She looks very young for her age, she's 21 but people think she 17. She is my baby, she loves cuddles, she is very young in her manner. She is not immature - she is just very child like. Extremely shy/introverted - but self confident.
My son has a diagnosis - he always looked younger than his years. He isn't child like - he is just very serious. He's shy - but he likes to be reasonably social. But he definitely needs downtime. Time to blank out.
I'm a big kid.
well, i am a male, but i go through this every once in a while(im 16). every so often i just cant the thought that im going up, i just wish and wish i could reverse my age, or at the very least not age any more.
but then i, as my mom calls it, "get comfortable in my skin" and im happy with my self again.
though the first time it hit me, it took me about 1-2 years before i was happy with myself again, it did pass.
Yeti, I don't think they're excluding you just because you're a troll. They just don't have room for your imaginary army of 12 Apostles. Or is it into triple digits now?
Maybe this isn't the best time to post this, as I'm going on vacation Weds., but was wondering if any other parents of Aspie teens have the problem I do with Hope, which is she is terrified of growing up, getting taller, maturing. Tony Attwood does mention this as common amongst young female Aspies.
It causes problems at home for example:
1. She rolls her pants all the way up to her knee or higher because she thinks that makes her look shorter. I notice when I drop her off in the morning some kids chuckle at her behind her back. We have tried and tried to get her to believe us when we tell her she looks ridiculous, to no avail.
2. Yesterday she wouldn't shop for a new bra in the juniors/women's dept. but would only buy a bra in the girls section. She is 16, 103 lbs and about 5'5" tall!
3. She will only wear really flat shoes. That's ok, but even tennis shoes "hold her up too high" as she puts it.
4. I can't call her daughter- she insists on "girl child".
5. Strangers can't say things like "you're growing up" , "you're taller". She doesn't have a meltdown, but gets noticably bothered and asks to change the subject.
6. This is possibly unrelated, but she won't wear sandals 'cause she can't show her feet. I guess she feels her feet are ugly or something.
If you are a female Aspie and were like this growing up, let me know. Did you change? Did you finally relax about all this stuff? What emotionally is at the root of this mindset?
Interesting...
1. Until this becomes problematic, it might be best to back off a bit unless she's violating the school dress code.
2. Uh...wow...I don't know what's going on here...
3. Maybe that's the way she likes it. I know, that sounds too obvious or too simple, but I can't come up with anything else...
4. ?
5. This might be due to insecurity.
6. Hmmmmm...maybe insecurity.
Just one question: Where's your daughter on the spectrum?
I still don't want to grow up and I am 30! Though seriously I think I was like that age till maybe 14, like I was behind the other girls but soon caught up and matured when I was 17 started a part time job, doing A-levels and going to university... maybe I could see it when I was a real part of the adult world?
I still don't want to grow up and I am 30! Though seriously I think I was like that age till maybe 14, like I was behind the other girls but soon caught up and matured when I was 17 started a part time job, doing A-levels and going to university... maybe I could see it when I was a real part of the adult world?
What about doing A levels and going to university = maturity?
Some very successful people haven't done A-levels or university.
I think first of all, most Aspies dislike change. Going from childhood into adulthood is a major change, and perhaps some Aspies feel if they behave younger they can put off becoming mature. There are alot of fears women deal with, such as fear of sexuality, and being taken advantage of sexually. I think that Aspie girls feel there is a huge fear of going out into the world, because they figure something will happen to them just because they are a woman. Also Aspies tend not to have alot of friends, a woman cannot go anywhere in today's society alone.
On the issue of forcing children out of the nest. I think it's the most ignorant and selfish thing a parent can do. When you decide to have a child, it is a life-long commitment. I don't see why anyone created this rediculous unwritten law, that once a child is 18 it's time to kick them out of the house and off to college. Children aren't fruit, you don't just pluck them when they're ripe, or something. Children are people, and people have different needs, and different comfort levels.
When you have a child you need to be prepared for if they should not grow up and have a "normal" life. You hear all the time about kids at college, getting so drunk they need to be hospitalized to join a fraternity. Or them going on Girls Gone Wild and being extra permiscuious, doing hard drugs. This is what people do when they are thrown into the wild, and have to find any way they can to survive. You have to make friends at any cost, otherwise you will be alone and helpless. Why do parents think this is, in any sense of the idea, a good experience for a child to have. You wouldn't throw a child into a pit with ravenous wolves, yet that's what you might as well be doing when you throw them out at 18.
It seems these days parents take the idea of child rearing way too lightly. Even something as simple as knowing where to discipline your child, is too much to ask from parents. There is an idea that being a parent doesn't mean you have to give up your life too. What? It's not high school, it's taking care of a human being! If a parent wanted to be some sort of socialite, then they shouldn't have had a child. It's not like having a dog or a cat, and you just leave them at home.
I think alot of the outrage over Autistic children, is parents are whining like "Oh now I actually have to take care of my cccchhhiiilldddd! I can't go out and hang out with my friends anymore!" It's simple, if you are in the mindframe of a selfish teenager as an adult, then don't have children. If you are willing to care for someone, as they are, and not as you want them to be then be a parent. I'm tired of seeing children treated like some accessory. Have to make little Janey look thin and perfect, so I can show her off to my mommy friends. That is not why people have children.
Violet Yoshi, I feel the same way. Even at 22, when I was pushed out of the nest, I was too unprepared to cope with certain things. I also went away to university at age 18. I could have got into more trouble than I did but the trouble I got into was certainly enough to cause lasting scars.
It wasn't because my parents were mean people - it was just expected that kids left home at a certain age. They also didn't know I have Aspergers but they knew I was painfully shy and thought being out in the world would help me get over it. The shyness helped me avoid some of the worst excesses of drink, drugs, and promiscuity but I was still taken advantage of and missed out on a lot of things because of not wanting to risk going on my own.
I don't see how parents who are aware their children have Aspergers or a related condition could just force them out into the big bad world when they are so defenceless and vulnerable to bullying and exploitation. It seems so cruel but again, they get the idea from other people that they deserve to "have their lives back".
That I think is silly because life is day to day and includes all the time they have their children.
While I'm neither a qualified psychologist nor could do a proper evaluation of that type from just a short summary of your perspective I have suspicions about what might be going on, behind the scenes if you will. It is a known tendency for human beings to want to try to go back to the ways things were before, if the present situation is bad. A less extreme version, being a not uncommon fondness for childhood.
In of itself this isn't unreasonable, however it is an escapism and thus by its nature fundamentally something is ultimately damaging to the person utilizing it.
I would suspect what it ultimately amounts to is as puberty hits the entire group is thrown into a kind of persistent insecurity as they're ability to feel in control, and the underlying able to deal with things is undermined. This leads to an increase in activities that give an ultimately artificial feeling of being in control, many of which those vulnerable to exploitation such as your normal AS individual would end up being the victim of. If they've been diagnosed they also probably have an additional extra level of not being able to feel right with themselves operating. This would tend to make them feel even less in control, and their avenues to reaffirm a sense of being in control are naturally much more constricted. That could easily lead to trying to use such an escapism in that manner. Don't tell me, but that's irrational. The day I meet a truly rational human is the day computers take over the Earth.
Simply attacking the behavior would only serve to aggravate the underlying problem if this is the case. Instead perhaps the emphasis should be on addressing the underlying problem, although I'm also not truly qualified to tell anyone how to do that. My suggestion however would be non-patronizing activities and techniques to help her be able to feel in control and able to deal with things. The trick would be doing it in such a way so as to not aggravate the already aggravated problem.
And who are you to say that such behavior is wrong?
If we are going to be real and honest about the matter, it is quite logical to say that many Aspies frequently do things that give them an artificial feeling of control and provide escapism. If not, they would likely not be able to cope with their condition.
Many stick by set routines and rituals--many of these "nonfunctional." Such as myself. I do things that I like to do by myself--I call it "solitary time"--every day, and one of the greater functions of these activities is to provide a feeling that I have control over something in my life. Escapism is also a part of this, and I am not ashamed to say so.
But you sir, are an idiot. NTs can also be escapists--on a daily basis--and at the same time, not be "immature." Apparently this fact is lost on you.
I recommend you apologize for your merciless way of looking at people, your judgmental nature, and your "elitist" sensibility. Perhaps take a look in the mirror.
Batou456 - there is much wisdom in your post.
Batou456, I guess I went a bit too far. My point is that an AS person "being in their own world" or having defensive tendencies, does not mean they are weak or immature, but rather probably a hypersensitive AS (some AS are hyposensitive and can "cope" with social factors within the environment, criticism, and so forth) who simply developed said coping mechanisms. Who's to say such coping mechanisms are wrong?
Consumerism and materialism among NTs is often escapist. Many NTs cannot stand being alone and doing solitary work for too long, thus they have a social network to "cope" with these aggravations. Many AS have the opposite problem.
I feel my issue with you Batou is that you are judging sensitive/defensive AS of any age groups, essentially calling them weak, while priding yourself on all "the hard work you did to move beyond those problems." I could be reading you wrong, but that's what I see, and personally I find it offensive.
Actually, I don't think Batou456 is judging or condemning anything in his last post, just observing that Aspie teens may behave in certain ways out of insecurity, and suggesting that they be helped to deal with that insecurity so they can cope better with the world. Unfortunately many of us feel so harshly judged by our peers for our supposed immaturity that we become defensive and see criticism everywhere. It can be a sensitive subject. It has taken me many years to realize that I am
better off not driving, not having a husband and children (or even dating), not trying to buy a house, not doing many of the things mainstream society seems to require as proof of adulthood. I must admit that I still am defensive enough about my own level of "maturity" that I avoid class reunions because I don't like to feel like a failure in comparison to my more conventionally accomplished peers!
And my point is, I've not heard of an Aspie (of any age) who doesn't have a tendency to "float off into their own world" and protect themselves. Some do it with a very brutal "faux confidence" kind of thing; others are more withdrawn and introverted. And I've rarely heard of an Aspie who doesn't have escapist tendencies.
I felt that hypersensitive AS (which describes me pretty well), with its "head in the clouds" sensibility, was being judged as inferior. It is only another manifestation of AS, neither better nor worse than, for example, hyposensitive AS that deals with the world "head-on." I'd like it to be respected on more-or-less equal terms.
Nothing wrong with being "dreamy" and "self-interested," or both. Aspies must find their own way to deal with things, the same way NTs must find their own way to deal with things--and the approach will often be different from person to person. Who's to say that one approach is "weaker" than another?
Nothing wrong with being "dreamy" and "self-interested," or both. Aspies must find their own way to deal with things, the same way NTs must find their own way to deal with things--and the approach will often be different from person to person. Who's to say that one approach is "weaker" than another?
Well said. Isn't the point of this site to give us freedom to be ourselves?
That's what I thought
Thank you for responding WfM.
I should subscribe to WFM Radio
