Aspies For Freedom

I was very confused growing up as well, and it didn't help that:

a) I was the oldest child in my family; and
b) I grew VERY fast - I was my full adult height of 5'7" at 14.

It is really hard to 'stay in the background' when you are the tallest girl in your class, as well as the oddest.

My parents were too strict/embarrassed to discuss 'teen culture' (if that's not an oxymoron ) and so I was baffled by the conversations of my peers as they changed subject from dolls to boys. I tried not to make the same mistake with my own kids, and instigated a family tradition called 'the rude half-hour'. (Called that because when they were younger it was all about the use of swear words)

The rules were:
Any of the kids could start it, but had to ask permission first. If the timing was awkward, they HAD to accept a deferment to a mutually convenient time and the adult would make sure the deferred half hour happened;
The adult would not be shocked or angered by anything the kids said;
No punishments would be meted out for anything said, e.g. swearing;
Anything said would not be held against the speaker;
No topic was taboo;
It ended EXACTLY half an hour after starting. We claimed that their dad and I would not remember anything said during 'the rude half-hour'.

During the 'the rude half-hour' anyone could:
Say any of the 'new words' they had learnt and ask for a definition;
Ask any question on any topic they liked and expect an honest answer;
Insult anyone they wanted to;
Just be silly.

I started this as a way of finding out exactly what was being discussed in the primary school playground without having to quiz them!

It became an hilarious diversion on long journeys, and was usually light-hearted - most six-to-eight-year-olds seem to love a chance to say poo-bum (or worse) a zillion times on the trot without being told off! But it gave me a chance to correct mis-information that they had picked up re. drugs, sex etc. without being the big, bad bossy mum.

Of course, outside 'the rude half-hour' they were still forbidden to swear or be rude and they accepted that such things upset a lot of people. Having that safety valve made the usual constraints on behaviour easier to bear. As they grew older one would sometimes come up to me and ask if they could privately have 'a rude ten minutes' if there was something that they wanted to discuss with me but weren't sure of my reaction in 'normal mode'.

Ellen--my Mom tells of a major meltdown I had when I was seven--how, when I saw our next door neighbor and babysitter all dressed up for her prom, I just would not stop crying, saying that I never wanted to grow up.  And teenage years were kind of hell. Mostly due to my Mom, unfortunately, who had definite IDEAS about how young ladies should behave.  She was rigid about my dress, insisted I curl my hair, neurotic about weight, wanted me to wear make-up so I'd "look my best", tried to socialize me into being demure--and I basically went from being a fairly happy carefree kid into a suicidal withdrawn teen.  

She gave up on the make-up thing around the time I turned 40!

LOL - are you my sister? My mum was EXACTLY the same - I was so relieved when my hubby (then fiancé) admitted that he doesn't like make-up either. Mum was always going on about my weight too. I was 5'7" and only 116lbs but that didn't stop her. My goodness, a BMI around 17 and she still made a fuss if she thought I'd gained a pound.

This made me laugh:

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=11...r=&cache=1

I really hope I'm not that kind of mum!

On the not wanting to grow up theme--I think I got stuck in latency (the pre-sexual phase, around ages 6-11).  That is, the emotional growth that happens in a true one-on-one sexual partnership never happened for me and was never appealing.  I knew that I didn't want to be married, or have children, or do many of the tasks of adulthood.  Although I DID want to be, and did become, independent and pretty self-sufficient.  For me, the explorer/wanderer archetype has power...and it requires a level of freedom that is not possible in a deep relationship wherein decisions must take the other person's interests into consideration.

Thank you for that. it is very sensible.

Male readers stop here. Thank you.

BTW: I still hate bras - I wear stretchy support sports tops instead.

I shop at the male clothing rails at charity shops.

I'm getting a mental picture of a certain Hogwarts professor......

Any one who wants help and information can join our tea-party-coffee-fest. Trolls not invited.

Oh, one should NEVER be low-class!! How... well, low-class that would be.

One will take the SILVER place-settings, thank you, WfM!

Nobody is ever too old for video games

Actually, I don't think Batou456 is judging or condemning anything in his last post, just observing that Aspie teens may behave in certain ways out of insecurity, and suggesting that they be helped to deal with that insecurity so they can cope better with the world.  Unfortunately many of us feel so harshly judged by our peers for our supposed immaturity that we become defensive and see criticism everywhere.  It can be a sensitive subject.  It has taken me many years to realize that I am better off not driving, not having a husband and children (or even dating), not trying to buy a house, not doing many of the things mainstream society seems to require as proof of adulthood.  I must admit that I still am defensive enough about my own level of "maturity" that I avoid class reunions because I don't like to feel like a failure in comparison to my more conventionally accomplished peers!   

It wasn't for me so much that I was reluctant to grow up, but I was Not comfortable with looking more like a woman, or with being taller. By age 12 1/2 I grew to 5 feet 9 1/2 inches. I also wore Large and XL T-shirts (despite being a Medium) and plain jeans. I was extremely uncomfortable showing any more skin than necessary.

These things I think had in part to do with how boys made fun of me for my looks from early on (I was a overweight then -- still am, but I am working on it). They also made fun of me for my glasses, my gullibility, my clumsiness, my face, and later, for my flat chest.

By age 6 I decided that I didn't want anyone to have the opportunity to look at me in a sexual way, so I decided to pile on the clothes and not look attractive. I vowed to never get in relationships, as they would distract me from other goals of morality and intellectual pursuits (so much for that goal for me, once puberty kicked in! Alas, asexuality is not something one can merely choose).

I hated standing out for my height. I always did, though. Until grades 6 and 7, I was always the tallest in my class, of girls and boys, and I am still one of the tallest girls, though many more boys have caught up since their puberties kicked in.

I don't know if much if any of this helped, but I hope it has.

I developed breasts and hips from age 12, but like so many Aspies, had no real interest in sex until I was much older, into my twenties.  It seems fairly typical with us that we retain a childlike outlook and interests right through adulthood, rather than rush lemming-like towards marriage and maternity/paternity like many neurotypicals.  To me there's plenty of time, why burn the candle at both ends?  Plus, once making the commitment of marriage, I've been totally faithful: I mean, who would put all the effort needed in a relationship into more than one person?  It's hard work!
Alison