Aspies For Freedom

Hmm...

Why am I such a girl?

I never liked the thought of growing up to some big fella who would look alot more stupid when embarrassing himself than if he was smaller, or at least that was the kind of image I had in my head. I kind of considered it "safe" to be small, like I had always been.

And I don't like wearing shorts because I don't like feel of being exposed, but at least my parents usually respects that preference.

I did this, sort of.

For me it was mostly not being in touch with changing fashions and what other girls were talking about, and as a result of that not being particularly interested in dressing grown up/sexy from an early age, like many girls are.  I didn't 'get' how I was suppsoed to dress.  I don't think I ever deliberately dressed younger, but to this day I still wear T-shirts, jeans and sneakers nearly everywhere, so it could look that way.  Plus there's your body changing, and a lot of Aspies dont' like change, so there's possibly some inherent trauma there, and by refusing to dress older, it's a way of denying the changes are taking place.

I resisted wearing a bra as long as possible, until nature and gravity intervened.  For me it was a combination of not wanting to wear one, and finding them very uncomfortable for (I think) sensory reasons.  I'm still very fussy, can't wear anything made of certain fabrics, with lace or wire, seams in the wrong place etc etc.  Similarly with shoes - I only wear flatties because I can't walk properly in heels, even little heels, and aren't comfortable in them.

I did a bit of funny dressing of my own, but my family never actually had the kindness to *tell* me I looked silly.  I grew out of it.  Eventually.

I don't recall any reluctance to grow up, but it did take me a bit longer than my peers. Perhaps one reason is that relationships suddenly become a lot more complicated as a teen and maybe she is trying to hold on to a simpler past.

And I did have my fair share of fashion disasters. I'm still not trendy or even stylish, but my sense of style has gotten better as I've gotten older.

As for bras, maybe you could look into the Victoria's Secret Pink line if she likes star prints and stuff like that. They are girly and I'm sure they would probably fit her better. The bras range from an A to C cup.  If you visit the store it's the most girly section there.

I also don't like elevated shoes because they mess up my already barely passable coordination. LOL  

However since I run, I've learned to like shoes that aren't so flat.

The only real advice I have is just to be there for her. Being a teenager sucks when you're an NT and even more so when you're not.

Ellen, I was quite like this as a teenager. I hated the idea of getting a period and of having to buy bras. I only started getting bras at 14 when mum assured me I could buy girls' sizes. But when I walked into town, I tried to hide my boobs by hunching over. Mum said I had an "Electra Complex".

Not sure exactly why I had these feelings but it could have been that I thought growing up to be a woman meant being condemned to a life of drudgery with no fun and not being able to do things I previously enjoyed, such as climbing trees. I certainly didn't want to be stereotyped and must have noticed a lot of it going on. I felt more neutral-minded than male OR female.

It could well be just a fear of the unknown, and of change. It's no use ridiculing or pushing your daughter. It might be worth assuring her that she can still have fun when she is older but it's better to let her grow at her own pace.

I still feel at times like a child in a woman's body.

Oh yes, leaving home was one of my very biggest fears, and with some reason too.

I wonder if this is the same way for guys?

Although I have some pretty childish mannerisms I've never really had the desire to stay child-like. Kind of the opposite, actually; I want to be as mature as I can.

I know where you're coming from, Yetti, and individuality is a wonderful thing.  But I wish someone *had* told me, as a child/teen/young adult, when I was making a fool of myself.  But nobody had sussed I was different, and they assumed I knew what I was doing.  I didn't.

It's one thing to consciously disregard social rules and be confident in yourself, it's another to actually want to fit in, but not be able to 'get' the social rules enough to make it happen.

I personally feel that we Aspies have a greatly-extended childhood.  When all the other NTs our age are busy thinking of nothing but becoming sexually active, driving, drinking, getting jobs, etc, we are still terrified of the prospect of leaving home.  I think we take a far longer time than NTs to "grow out of" childhood and mature.

I eventually accepted that I was an adult when I reached my mid-twenties, but I didn't like the idea of growing up when I was a teenager, as it all seemed so bewildering.  Now however, I wish I were that young again, knowing what I know now!  But that's a common complaint even amongst the NTs!
Alison

I also think it's pointless and unkind to force aspie children "out of the nest" before they are ready. They are often quite prone to being taken advantage of and it's better that they are relatively safe at home than out in the big bad world before they have the mental tools to cope.

It also needs to be acknowledged that some will never be able to go out and live on their own, even if highly functioning intelligence-wise.

Well as long as you are happy to have them home, those other people should just mind their own business. There are occasions when adult children cause a lot of disruption and the parents wish they would go, but often having other adults in the house is good company for the parents.

Oh pah! If you read on another thread, Tigger would like very much to go back to work. I also have not seen anything in any of her postings to suggest that she has any mental issues. Please think before you judge another person.

What I would suggest to Ellen re: her daughter

1: I would suggest buying her some shorter pants.

2: Provided bras from the girls' section still fit her, just let her be.

3: Nothing wrong with flat shoes. 5'5" is plenty tall enough to wear flat shoes in any case.

4: I'd say humour her by calling her "girl child" for now. I don't know how she would feel about "young lady" but she might object because she could think it makes her sound older, but it's worth a try.

5: Let her change to another subject if she wants. Some teenagers get embarrassed about being the centre of comments from strangers or acquaintances whether or not they are aspie so it's probably partly teenage self-consciousness.

Just think of it being a bit like a lady of "a certain age" not wishing to be reminded that she is over 40 or over 50.

6: Reassure her she has attractive feet but be prepared for it not to register for quite some time.

I think first of all, most Aspies dislike change. Going from childhood into adulthood is a major change, and perhaps some Aspies feel if they behave younger they can put off becoming mature. There are alot of fears women deal with, such as fear of sexuality, and being taken advantage of sexually. I think that Aspie girls feel there is a huge fear of going out into the world, because they figure something will happen to them just because they are a woman. Also Aspies tend not to have alot of friends, a woman cannot go anywhere in today's society alone.

On the issue of forcing children out of the nest. I think it's the most ignorant and selfish thing a parent can do. When you decide to have a child, it is a life-long commitment. I don't see why anyone created this rediculous unwritten law, that once a child is 18 it's time to kick them out of the house and off to college. Children aren't fruit, you don't just pluck them when they're ripe, or something. Children are people, and people have different needs, and different comfort levels.

When you have a child you need to be prepared for if they should not grow up and have a "normal" life. You hear all the time about kids at college, getting so drunk they need to be hospitalized to join a fraternity. Or them going on Girls Gone Wild and being extra permiscuious, doing hard drugs. This is what people do when they are thrown into the wild, and have to find any way they can to survive. You have to make friends at any cost, otherwise you will be alone and helpless. Why do parents think this is, in any sense of the idea, a good experience for a child to have. You wouldn't throw a child into a pit with ravenous wolves, yet that's what you might as well be doing when you throw them out at 18.

It seems these days parents take the idea of child rearing way too lightly. Even something as simple as knowing where to discipline your child, is too much to ask from parents. There is an idea that being a parent doesn't mean you have to give up your life too. What? It's not high school, it's taking care of a human being! If a parent wanted to be some sort of socialite, then they shouldn't have had a child. It's not like having a dog or a cat, and you just leave them at home.

I think alot of the outrage over Autistic children, is parents are whining like "Oh now I actually have to take care of my cccchhhiiilldddd! I can't go out and hang out with my friends anymore!" It's simple, if you are in the mindframe of a selfish teenager as an adult, then don't have children. If you are willing to care for someone, as they are, and not as you want them to be then be a parent. I'm tired of seeing children treated like some accessory. Have to make little Janey look thin and perfect, so I can show her off to my mommy friends. That is not why people have children.

Yeah there is alot of ignorance out there regarding the issue. I just found the whole, ":O Kids are coming home from college!" thing in the media rediculous. Maybe they should focus on the kids who don't come home, the ones who ODed or went with the wrong crowd and ended up dead. Perhaps then people wouldn't be so upset about their child returning home, instead of going straight into the world like some kind of robot.

I think I read that article in Psychology Today. Kiriana looks like how I wish I looked. She looks like really pretty kind of Gothish. I guess the best way I could describe it, is she looked like how Twiggy Ramirez did in Marilyn Manson. Although, yeah, most people wouldn't really find him particularly attractive. Anyways, I hope you know what I'm getting at.

It is interesting, because she does look like the kind of girl who could get any boyfriend she wanted, and she perfers to do more Aspie things. It's kind of like thinking about, would your life really change all that much if you looked more attractive.