Aspies For Freedom

I still don't know without a doubt, but it has been a long road to even suspecting.

Here are my exposure points to AS.

I first heard of AS when the son of a professor/friend of mine was acting odd in nursery and I was fascinated with the way he interacted - or, more correctly didn't. I watched him intently and my friend explained to me his son had Autism.  (I now believe my friend had aspergers...)

Once I graduated from college I heard an interview of Donna Williams on NPR and directly went out and bought Nobody Nowhere and Somebody Somewhere. I read them both straight through, doing nothing else until I put them down - and I cried and was overwhelmed throughout. I did not experience many of the things that Donna did, but the way I looked at things I did experience was incredibly familiar. The separation from other people, the evaluating things logically etc.  I didn't know what that meant though...

I saw Rainman - nothing except typical fascination.

I noticed the son of a friend of mine was rather anti-social and I watched him and mentioned to her I thought he might have autism. She didn't think so, two years later she decided to have him tested and he did indeed have Asperger's. (He already knew he had it, had read it in a book and self dx)

An acquaintance of mine at church was diagnoses with Autism and over a year I witnessed her comfort with herself increase and we became good friends.

Later I ran across the word 'asexual' and looked up Aven on google - and realized I had something in common with people there... then it came out that many people there had Asperger's and I started to become friends with several aspies - all men... and had a ton in common with them...

I started to think about my childhood and a lot of the things I used to do that were pretty 'aspielike' and the things I still do...

I also started to think more about what Asperger's is in a more clinical way rather than in a behavioral way and spoke with other aspies about what I was feeling and they confirmed that what I was describing is what they experience. (sensory overloads, processing and interpreting social cues etc.)

At the same time I began to see in my son certain aspie traits and started to teach him more intentionally about social interactions and taking care for his sensory issues... and began to see dramatic improvements in both his behavior and his comfort with his world. (Understanding 'why' is so incredibly important to him) I also realized that the reason I get my son so much is probably because I share a lot of these traits.

My small group of Aspie male friends wasn't enough anymore for the kind of information I was seeking and so I came to AFF looking for more parents to see if I could help my son even more - and I met aspie women and was pretty amazed at how similar we were.  It started to hit me that I might have more in common with aspies than not...

Someone posted the "Growing up an aspie female" article and it all started to come together even more that my childhood experiences were indication of hidden aspergers... and that my struggles and what I've learned about myself that got me to the place I am now might even hide it more... outwardly because I don't appear to have social inhibitions or sensory issues. But inwardly my experience of the world hasn't changed, I just understand what's happening to me now and have adjusted.

So... I don't know if I'd be diagnosed Aspie, but if I had to be nailed down to say yes or no, I'd say yes, I am somewhere on the spectrum, I have too many aspie traits to offer another explanation.  But an official DX doesn't matter to me, I don't need professional help, and with my guidance hopefully my son will flourish with just the guided reading, speech therapy and occupational therapy he gets at school. It's just great to finally understand why I am the way I am and talk with people who 'get' me.

Basically, I knew as soon as I realized that arm-flapping, unusual obsessions, and being bad a small talk had a name.

I have the same exact problem.  I've learned to cover up a lot of my more glaring eccentricities over the years, because I absolutely HATE criticism and rejection...  so now I'm no longer an obvious Aspie, because I have "instinctualized normal behavior."

Thanks for the link Bella, it looks like I match the list pretty darn well, also...

I have always known I thought in a different way to everybody else, but thought that everyone thought differently to eachother!

Even when someone pointed out that my son seemed a 'bit autistic' I thought "nonsense, he's just like me". I had only heard of the popular misconception of the LFA type of Autism and it didn't apply. When I had met autistic kids at my older children's school I got on really well with them, often collecting items/info for them on their special interests in my spare time and thinking that there was something wrong with the diagnosis because they seemed totally normal to me.

It was only when I read 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time' and cried all the way through (I completely identified with the boy) that I thought I had better start reading about Asperger's.

I read Tony Attwood's book and my whole jigsaw-puzzle life fell into place.

So I have only known that I have an identifiable 'condition' and its name is 'Asperger's Syndrome' for about three years.

I could write reams about my life as a 'blissfully ignorant Aspie' but won't torture you here!

I think you hit the nail on the head here, well done  

That's the crux of the problem for me--I can blend in, sure, but it starts to get very aggravating when the "facade" I put up just isn't good enough.

I think that the closest thing to a defining moment for me was stumbling in to Roger Meyer's web pages while trying to find suggestions on how to talk to some people that I needed to engage with at a conference.

It was immensely unsettling to find a web page that described a set of characteristics that described me almost precisely and which attributed this to some kind of 'disorder'. Then I found the various AQ/EQ/SQ tests and got scores that were almost too extreme. Then I found out that I was tesed for autism (in 1970!) due to problems when I was very young, but that this was rejected because I could speak.

I find it hard to accept that I am at least partially autistic. I have managed to hold jobs all of my life, and I have a partner. I am not disabled, but I am different from most other people (to the extent of causing problems at work, and to other people independently suggesting that I have AS).

Learning about AS has been immensely helpful. It explains why some things are some immensely difficult and makes it easier to figure ways around those things.

You can do anything if you can reason it through.

I'm probably just Borderline AS/NT (maybe one or two notches "more")... perhaps I have no right to complain?  I'm not half as autistic as most people on AFF, I don't think...

Another issue I find is that it's impossible to keep up the facade for very long, no matter how hard I try.

Welcome, DG.

Just the way you said it--very familiar to me.  I also used to have a lot of paranoia about socializing (and still do) but I am a fairly atypical Aspie, so I'm not sure seeking DX would result in a positive outcome for me--I might just get dismissed as any number of other disorders.

I'm almost certain I have ADD to begin with--and some circles think that ADD can account for many Aspie traits, but it's not usually vice versa.  If you're a stereotypical Aspie, they don't look to say "you're ADD instead."

Anyway, let me know if you get a DX, as you seem to have some similar experiences.

I tend to obssess over people and this has been a consistent trait since I was little. My parents hoped I would grow out of shyness and fears of going out on my own and making phone calls.

My point was finding out if you have Asperger's or not, because I have also had the trait of extreme social paranoia in the past--but most people think I am too atypical to have Asperger's.  Perhaps if you get the diagnosis, there's a chance I could, too.

I didn't say anything about great benefits coming from the DX--for right now this is only about figuring out if I am on the spectrum, or not.  It's about identity for me, at this point.

And the majority of engineering students are male - I reckon a female engineering student is much more likely to be Aspie than NT!

I think we might be having the old Aspie stand-off here - drawn logic at fifty paces! Just make sure that no-one gets hit by shrapnel from exploding theories!

I think that you are BOTH right - Zakkie, it is strictly true that you cannot diagnose someone by their profession; Batman, you are right that the really ultra-feminine girls at the extreme end of the NT spectrum, the ones we see on telly and in magazines, the ones all we females are supposed to emulate, are most unlikely to choose a profession where they are more likely to get covered in machine oil than baby oil!

I believe that you two are just drawing the line between NT and ND in different places! (as is your right, of course! After all, it is a spectrum, not an either/or).