Aspies For Freedom

There is no defining moment.  I recall confiding to a girlfriend that I was perhaps "a little bit autistic" back in the 1980s.  It seemed irrelevant, really, and has only become real to me as I've watched my children become who they are.  They are not quiet and shy the way I was, but they do not get hit for nonconformity either. I got hit a lot, and learned to say little and do less.

I still feel that it is not an identity that I have fully embraced.  Sort of at a "Yes, but...." stage, I suppose.  Basic identity theory would predict this sort of response, actually. Identities that bring benefits are embraced quickly, those that bring discrimination are often hidden.  Hence, the African who has lived in the U.S. for over 40 years and still sounds like an immigrant fresh from the boat -- without the accent he would face much more discrimination.  And so.  Time will tell.

I actually remember it rather distinctly. A friend was telling me about her uncle, that he's always been "kinda odd" and that her mom thinks that he might be "kind of autistic- you know, because there's a big range in autism"

huh? I was so confused. I hadn't heard that before, though I had actually read the Wired magazine article about the geek syndrome and laughed along and said, "I'm kinda like that" but never thought more of it.

That night I looked it up online. There it was, the DSM-IV, describing me in close detail. I had to go put the kids to bed, when I got back my hubby was looking at it. "do you think the kids have this?" "no" "then why are you looking at it" "who do you think it sounds like" "oh"

Then I was completely addicted and had to know absolutely everything about AS. It became my new obsession, but unlike the friendly happy obsessions I had previously had, no one wanted to hear about it... which is why I'm here.

And also, looking back on it, there were several times I think people tried to tell me about AS... especially in art school. I actually remember this one kid saying, "You know, while I was institutionalized last summer I met this girl that reminds me a lot of you." over my head.   "Did you ever see Benny and June? You remind me a lot of June."  again, over my head... same kid though.

When I did any of my "autistic" stuff he would casually say, "definitely, definitely" AKA rainman... which was funny then but seems kinda bad now... He's since apologized, FYI.

I still don't know for sure... I guess I never will since I am afraid of that whole taking your babies away thing. Regardless of whether or not it could happen. And I don't know if I'm "diagnosable" I'm too "normal" to be "wierd" and too "wierd" to be "normal".

c'est la vie.

Um.. the "When I did any of my autistic stuff" snippet the HE is my hubby... it doesn't make sense, sorry.

I heard an article on NPR, and my experiences matched a lot of what was being discussed. After thinking about it, I remembered my mother and sister saying "she just doesn't get it" and I would be so frustrated and beg them to explain. Remembering that experience (which happened many times) was what really clicked for me. I still haven't really accepted it, but that was the point where it started making sense for me.

I didn't know about AS until approximately 9 years ago, I knew I was odd, when I was very young I felt like an alien, throughout my life  everyone thought I was weird & quite a few told me so ( quite nastily ) . As soon as my son was diagnosed, I found out everything that I could in order to help him & I started to see light at the end of the tunnel.
I have used these particular quotes, because like batman, in order to try to fit in, I can seem fairly normal if I try hard enough, hard being the operative word.
The last quote because of the link, which pretty much describes me.
In short, I have more or less had similar experiences to all who have posted on this thread.
Incidentally, I adore spinning things, I can watch the washing machine for ages & have indulged myself with loads of rainbow  coloured spinning wheels for the garden.
I am not working now & feel free to give rein to my eccentricities, I feel more happy than I have ever been, I can be me.

Didn't know about it til my mum mentioned it; before, I had been given a diagnosis of "severe personality disorder" to account for my weirdness and refusal to fit in at school... that's when I read up on it and realised it fitted me.

Still don't know "for sure".  A few years ago I met a man who has become my best friend.  After we hung out together for a month he asked me several questions that I thought seemed strange. Then he asked if I had heard of Aspergers (I hadn't). He has a doctorate in psychology and.. after 4 years, still insists I'm an aspie. I was angry at him but after I read up on it, I eventually realized he is probably right.  

A big moment for me was finding out there are some other people on the planet who are faceblind and that it had a name.

The first was a documentary about high functioning autism that I saw on TV.  They featured one woman who wrote pages of music, but had no idea what it sounded like.  It occurred to me that I had done this for years, and I found it strange that I would have that in common.  It wasn't a lightbulb moment but it always stayed in my mind.

The real clincher for me was years later when I stumbled across a post or article stating that AS women tend to obsess over people more than they obsess over subjects, compared to AS males who tend to obsess over subjects more than they obsess over people.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I had no idea that people obsessions could be considered in the category of AS obsessions.

Second to that I realized that the self injury/ rocking I had done all my life was stimming.

Third to that was reading that families often ignore signs of autism in daughters.

When I was in highschool, I got obsessed with reading the biography of mathematicians and physicists, and since I had some interest in psychology, I researched all the psychological issues that were more common. While on this research, I stumbled upon autism, and then upon AS. It fit me so much I was kind of startled. After I left highschool, I clung to the fact I had AS because I wanted to study physics, and the rest of my family started bashing me, saying it wasn't a worthy profession, I would end up teaching elementary school, I would never find a job that paid me enough to live, and saying I had no ambition, and a lot of other crap. Somehow, the fact that sharing this with other physicists and mathematicians before me made sense when I had nothing but wish to go with my choice and my entire family against it (Some of their claims made sense back then, now that I'm in university they don't though).

After I got inside the university, my certainty I have it started to wane, though. I still have a lot of symptoms, but I wonder if I'm right or just imaginating things, since I just noticed very few of them before reading about them, and outside the fact I felt alien and different, I was never bullied nor completely excluded in highschool (Though feeling alien was something to be expected, since I was one of three girls in a 45 students class. But I never fit with the other two girls, nor with the few girls of the other classes, I feel more like a boy myself. More likely than not I will fit better in the steriotypes of male aspies rather than the female ones too). I also have trouble remembering anything prior to my highschool years (can't remember almost anything at all, in truth), so I can't compare symptoms of when I was a child, except what people sometimes tell me and that I know are subjective. I don't have anyone who knows me enough to ask about this either, the only ones would be my mother, my aunt and my grandmother, and I feel selfconscious of asking them any of it, and afraid they will say I made up I have AS just to be an attention seeker.

So, I'm completely unsure if I have AS or not. But I do enjoy visiting this forum, and I feel welcome and understood here like in no other place.

The fact that you are an engineering student--trust me on this--helps a lot to give credibility to your potential autism.  I believe I speak the truth on this matter, and I have hard time seeing why so many believe this is a negligible point.

It is not a negligible point--stereotypes permeate everything, and influence people.

But the majority of engineering students are NT. Perhaps the Autistic percentages are higher, but it's not really something that can be considered in diagnosis...

Not that I'm saying you're not, just that engineering isn't really a factor in determining it.

It might be a naive belief, but I tend to think this way.

Oops, quoted the wrong person

Oh stuff it, why am I always wrong?

Why are my ideas always shot down to the ground?

Sorry, but I'm tired of being told my opinions about things are "inconsequential" or aren't very "logical."

Facts can be interpreted in different ways.

That's what I was heading toward...  thanks for filling in what I was missing!