Aspies For Freedom

I always feel like I need to introduce myself: I'm Sarah, I'm an aspie mom of two beautiful daughters whose neurological wiring is yet to be determined.

I have been in this mommy's group since January of this year. They seem to be good people for the most part.   Just recently I've discovered that about a third of them are on some sort of anti-depressant like zoloft. When I ask them about why they just tell me how stressful their lives are... they're stay at home moms. I'm not trying to say that's not a stressful job, we've had that thread before! But seriously, what's so bad about their lives that they need medication to help?

I know that this is a touchy subject, the medicating of america... blah blah blah. But as I see it my life is way worse than theirs. I'm not saying that to be whiny, though it may sound that way! But really, they drive nice cars, have a nice house and generally live easier lives than I do... and they don't have a PDD. There husbands work regular hours, and don't go out of town or anything like that either... so what's the deal?

I mean, I have AS, aren't I supposed to have problems dealing with regular stress? The only thing I can think of is that my aspie-ness actually makes the child-rearing process easier rather than harder... I'm not sure.

Any other mom's (AS or not!) have any ideas here?

Funny, 7oclock, when Sarahjoke wrote about it, it didn't seem at all like another tiresome rant against NT's.

Sarah, I've always noticed how some of my students are so resilient and survive horrible childhoods and thrive -- and other kids are so easily shattered by so much less. From the outside, it's hard to see why life strikes the two types so differently.

The whole idea of resiliency has become a considerable focus in psychology, especially positive psychology: http://www.resiliencycenter.com/

It's not that their lives are harder than yours -- in all apparent ways, they are much easier -- it's that you are more resilient than they are. It's an incredible gift. Sometimes it's a life or death gift.

I'm convinced that building resiliency in children is one of the most important things we can do for them.  http://resilnet.uiuc.edu/library/grotb95b.html

Wow, Hrick's mom, that's exactly what I think about it!

I'm not anti-anti-deppressents. I know there are people with real depression that have too much for a normal person to cope with... I didn't mean this as "another NT rant" I really don't. I just don't understand why someone would go to meds to solve the kind of problems that to me seem like something your brain can help you out of. Does that make sense? I guess if the doc tells you your depressed and writes a script for it you do it... but maybe its because of AS that I see things differently?

I expect that I'm not going to be happy all the time, that the kids are really going to frazzle me sometimes. Maybe having AS helps me be prepared for those incidents? Maybe they sneak up on other people and that really stresses them out? I know that just KNOWING that its going to happen automatically calms me down. Does that make sense?

Max, I don't feel like I'm really all that resilient, but thanks for the compliment anyway.

Yes I agree, some people are definitely more resilient than others.
Some look for a 'quick fix'
Many  parents to be seem to have a preconceived idea that parenthood is always going to be wonderful ( sugar & spice ) & their child is going to be perfect in every way. It seems to come as a great shock to some, to find that babies / toddlers  are at times, dirty, smelly, cause sleepless nights ( the latter never stops!    ) & do not fit into some mould.

Just the same as if the ' perfect  house & neighbourhood 'that they strived to obtain is not what it seemed.
Some resort to' happy pills'.

My personal opinion is that As parents may take parenting in their stride easier & if AS parent (s) have AS offspring, they are much more likely to empathise with  & understand  certain behaviours & likes / dislikes.
I could & can understand my children in this manner.

woman from mars, I like your last bit... I do think I get my kids better than others get their kids. In this same group of friends I am often told how good I am with kids. That if someone is having a behaviour problem that I usually have the answer and understand what the problem is. I think a lot of this is because my kids are older than theirs, but I do think a lot of my ability to see things at their level is because of my aspie-ness.

On a lighter note, when I was new there my 2YO threw a tantrum. Someone asked what was wrong, my response, "She's two." They thought it was hilarious and have since included it into their vernacular. I stil think its an accurate answer to the question.

I think I have always been functional (academically or occupationally) without medication, or functional enough.  

Maybe without something to do I'd be incapacitated.  But it seems weekend incapacitation is making a comeback and I need to return for therapy consultations.  

I think what 450 mg./day of Welbutrin (about as much as a 300 lb man can stand) and 20 mg/day of Lexapro does is chase away practically all of suicidal ideation.  

And I do agree with the love/attention tank.  I feel myself be more restless without attention.  Sometimes I think the gf issue is primarily that I do not seem to attract attention, but I also realize loneliness is an emotion too.  I think I have figured out that I am as valuable as anyone else, and with favorable levels of intelligence, humor, and character as well.  Personality I think also comes out when I feel safe and at home/accepted.

I remember having a Prozac "renaissance" sometime around March 1997, after I had been on Prozac for a while, emotional and mental clarity of feeling and thought.

Perhaps in some way the perfect scenario IS to be an Aspie parenting other Aspies. In some ways. When you are NT you have already been conditioned by society to feel alarmed when your children aren't "perfect" It takes a while TO CALM DOWN, to get some perspective, as Hrick's Mom has, as I have.

Your kids are still young: When they are older, in elem., middle school day to day life (unless you are the serene type) gets harder as you play interference for your child, as you find yourself nearly CONSTANTLY having to be your child's advocate, having to explain your child's quirks to an endless stream of teachers, administrators, family and friends. Often family is the worst as they second guess your choices. One sister in law was convinced Hope needed to be in a special or private school, that I was neglecting her because I hadn't mortgaged the house to do so, etc. All it took was one support meeting to shut her up!

Then when you are middle-aged often you must deal with all of the above PLUS an aging parent or two. That is very tough indeed and my friends in those situations could snort their father's ashes as Keith Richards did and I wouldn't bat an eyelash! To each their own. Whatever gets you thru the night, etc.

Me, personally, I have never taken anti-depressants because Hope was an Aspie. I took them when younger for brief periods of time to 1) get thru a terrible divorce, 2) to deal with chronic unemployment, and 3) strangely, to deal with infertility that ultimately, three years later, resulted in said beautiful Aspie daughter, now 16.

No here's the good news (sarcastic), you can be very resilent like Max mentioned but start needing something when you are older because physiologically your ability to handle stress lessens with age. According to shrinks your quirks and eccentricities become more pronounced as well.  I am not as "nice" or as "sweet" as I used to be, but I am more authentic, I think.Much more self assured.  That's where the occasional xanax comes in for me. I adore xanax. God bless the researcher who came up with that one!

So enjoy the quietude, the calm seas (comparatively) now. But then remember great suffering (and I have experienced great suffering (mental) results in great (spiritual) growth.

I like the ' insulin simile'.
Some diabetics require no meds, some need pills, some a daily injection & some need multiple injections daily.
it is # a matter of how the body deals with it  & # 2 a matter of degree.
Think of depression in the same way & you're nearly there.
If someone truly has an illness then these days their is no need for prolonged suffering.

On the other side of the coin,as in the many mothers in the first post on this thread, for some it can be the 'in thing' to not be able to cope a kind of keeping up with the Joneses or 'no one had a more painful birth than me' ( I have heard this last so many times that an alien would think that having a baby is the worst thing ever).
Does that lot make any sense?

Oops... How did I do that!  Please disregard my last post... (Out of practice here...)

Here's the post intended:

Well, It has been awhile since I ‘really’ posted anything. Not much time this summer for anything other than a quick time-out. Kids’ are now back in school, and I don’t know whether to sigh or cringe...

Like Sarah, I feel I need to introduce myself. ‘Beammeup’ here... (Real name withheld to prevent confusion, and protect the innocent) ;-). I’m a dad with two daughters that are somewhere on the spectrum, thyself included. Red-hair abounds. (Sorry, you requested ‘mom’ input ;-) just call me Mr. Mom ;-) It’s okay, I’ve given-up trying to convince the makers of ‘Kix’ cereal that ‘Dads don’t approve’.

I like what Max said about building ‘Resiliency’ in our children. Indeed - Most important.

Wish I knew how to empower my girls to deal with the social drama dealt-out at our public schools, and help them become more ‘resilient’.  

Though if building ‘shells’ around themselves equates to resilience, I don’t like it. False at best, so why can’t they just be their sensitive, ‘indigo’ selves? Well, at least KNOW thyself. It would help if they each had a bit of ‘self-awareness’. Both are pretty, with ‘nerd’ social skills, and are constantly judging themselves by what others say. They can’t ‘see’ in the mirror the beautiful children that they really are... (Hey! no parent-bias here, I speak the truth you know ;-))  So is it really possible to teach ‘resilience’?

Must be hereditary... I recall myself as having not much ‘self-awareness’ at that young age. Looking back, it all makes sense. I’m very ‘resilient’ now. Sure could have used it forty-years ago...

Which brings up Sarah’s comment about that ‘touchy subject’: medications, blah blah blah...

It is no doubt very individual. Meds ‘work’ for some, worked for me, dangerous to others, dangerous to me. Dangerous for my girls; Quite a complex dilemma. Quick-fix docs without proper training can send you awry! Don’t believe everything the medical community tells you about depression, or its source. I guess what I‘m saying is just be careful.

I suffered a couple of major depressions over the years, and tried several ‘prescribed’ anti depressants. I was looking for an answer to why I felt the way I did, and had not the capability to search thyself. Trusted doctors to properly diagnose, so assumed such had been done... phittt... Some pills made it worse, and yes, one worked... yet for me, the ‘burning’ question remained -- What was the source of the ‘depression’?  Funny, finally discovering the real ‘source’ for myself was the best ‘anti-depressant’ ever. Discovered it here on AFF and WP. Bunch of folks all talking about ‘it’. For me, the source is some variation of ASD, ADD/ADHD/AS whatever... and in my case, just needs more understanding than pills... I do take an occasional med for focus.

For those who are just starting out, wanting to feel better, be careful to find a ‘Educated’ doc, the correct medication, AND... a shrink that understands positive psychology... (Max mentioned that too).

Anyway... too much to unload here on this subject...

Wow, your story is really eye opening! I think this is an excellent point. There does seem to be a very high focus on symptom treating rather than source diagnosis.  A friend's husband who is in medical school indicated that he thought (was taught) a lot of patients are looking to their doctors for attention and will call at the slightest sign of any pain.  It concerned me that maybe some of these people had something unusual and were simply being dismissed...  

Trying to figure out the difference has got to be very difficult. Maybe there should be a new profession of diagnosis doctors trained in psychology as well as standard medicine who wouldn't prescribe anything but would spend time with patients to figure out if symptoms are related to each other or not.

As for heart palpitations and stress... Two years ago I was involved in a very stressful situation and my heart started beating so strange over a period of a month that eventually I went to the ER. (at the urging of my husband)  They did a bunch of tests on me and said I was healthier than anyone in the building, including the doctors on duty.   And one doctor took the time to ask me what was going on in my life - when I explained it, he said what I had was common for women my age under stress...  So I slowly altered my lifestyle and now it is dramatically different. Thankfully I haven't felt any heart palpitations as I used to since the big changes took place.

Oh my! You too?

I'm so glad you both persevered and found what was going on. Sometimes just knowing there is a good reason for what you're experiencing can make you feel so much better.  

That stressful time I went through was also very self-awakening and the learning I've done about asperger's, asexuality and my gifts and individuality has brought me a lot of inner peace and purpose. I still have a ways to go, but it has really put a huge value in me for self-understanding.

For the same reason that those who were abused as children often abuse their children & people who have been in abusive relationships tend to repeat the cycle by choosing another abusive partner.
People who have been badly abused in childhood equate this with love, because that is all they ever knew & what they do know is parents are supposed to love their children.so this must be love.

I am one of three sisters who were horribly abused by our mother psychologically,  physically & sexually.
People didn't talk about things in those days, so if a neighbour would hear a child screaming in a house, it would be ignored.
Speaking for myself, we as children, thought that everyone was treated like this & that it was normal family life.
I never abused my children, but certainly entered abusive relationships (unintentialy ), I think abused people give out some kind of signal, just like the please manipulate me signal to would be abusers.

We MUST be twins ( Viking twins )