Aspies For Freedom

This seems a good place to use the abbreviation: LFNT?

Perhaps some NT's care more about what other people think and need to put on a good front to impress than is healthy for them?

I don't like to look immature, emotional and out of control of my life... I don't like to have to turn down volunteering requests... but I learned to accept that having small children is a season in your life in which you MUST be selfish for your kids sake and put limits on what you try to accomplish in a day.

Is it possible that these NT moms feel like they have to be 'supermom' and the emotional pressure to be perfect on top of the stuff that needs done makes it overwhelmingly more stressful - stressful enough to get a quick fix, in style pill to pop, but not stressful enough to slow down...

Some people seem to look to drugs to fix their problems and cope with the life they want to leave while others know there is no drug to help them so they change their perspective or their coping mechanisms or the circumstances they put themselves in as a survival skill.

I agree with those that said medication isn't bad... I didn't mean to imply otherwise either. Some people genuinely do need it, but overall it seems to have become a quickfix - sometimes even trying to solve normal childhood behavior through drugs.  I also wasn't ranting on NT's in general as much as trying to suggest possible explanations for why some NT's seem to be focused on things that would bring them stress that most Aspies wouldn't be focused on and therefore don't have as much stress about.

Sarah, I have had the same things you describe happen to me! People tell me I'm extremely patient all the time, and I don't feel that way, but I suppose in comparison it might be true. I also see the basis of certain behaviors a lot more than some of my NT friends.

If you don't know what a child needs and have high expectations on their behavior, it is extremely stressful to be a parent... However, if you learn to expect certain behaviors are normal for children in certain circumstances, the stress might still be there when the behavior manifests, but you are more apt to know what to do about it and not take it personally.

Once when a friend was over my son was being whiny and difficult and I said to him what I often say, "Do you need love?"  He immediately melted and I just sat and held him - it calmed him and he relaxed and became much happier.  My friend thought it was amazingly cute - but in actuality that is sometimes all that children need, to have their 'love/attention tank' filled back up. (and don't adults sometimes need that too??)

I take an antidepressant and antianxiety meds. I just can't hack it when my mood hits the floor. I struggled for years - and I coped - but now I need the antidepressant. When my children were little - my stress levels were high, but I didn't feel low - I was too busy coping. I feel adding extra stress in my life actually keeps away the low mood.
But it's got to a point now where I'm sick of the fight.
My son has aspergers - people say he is very like me - I don't have a diagnosis, but I understand very well why struggles. My brother probably fitted the diagnosis of aspergers - as did my dad. It's a family thing.
My doctor pushed me to take meds. In my own time I took them when I felt the need. They make my life so much better - no longer do I have to struggle with low moods and anxiety. I couldn't have studied or got job I have without medication to help me.
I love my meds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a lot of empathy for both of my sons and feel it very much when they are hurting or mistreated.  

However, I think it might be true that my empathy extends more to what I perceive them to be feeling than the actions against them. My empathy inspires me to give them love, affection and talk through an explanation for what's going on and how they can handle it practically.

With my spectrum boy he clings more to the explanation of why the kids are being mean and what he can do. I see him filter what happens and then it doesn't bother him as much once he understands. (For illogical meanness we say they have 'issues'.)

With my NT son, love and affection seem to work better with him to get over it and the explanation doesn't matter as much.

I can relate very much to this - I hate any kind of put down or bullying. People can be so stupid and mean.
I don't feel pain just in relation to my son though - I hate seeing bullying and put down. It makes me sick.

But I strongly believe in - what goes around comes around.

That's a good point, and I totally agree... in this area, my empathy extends to more than my own child. I can't bear to see other people ripped apart with cruel insults.

Authority figures who do this especially make me angry...they act as if their brutal correction is 'for the good of the child'.

I can see that, but how many people will they destroy in the process or turn into bullies?  Most hateful people have encountered hate in a way that deeply wounded them and they continue the cycle. The only way for the cycle to break is when hateful people can learn to forgive those that mistreated them.  That's not easy though, because if you have been mistreated and bullied that anger is valid and justified. Healing isn't about saying it was 'okay', it's learning healthy ways to channel that fury against hate into something constructive so that you do not become the very thing you hate.

I can see that, but how many people will they destroy in the process or turn into bullies?  Most hateful people have encountered hate in a way that deeply wounded them and they continue the cycle. The only way for the cycle to break is when hateful people can learn to forgive those that mistreated them.  That's not easy though, because if you have been mistreated and bullied that anger is valid and justified. Healing isn't about saying it was 'okay', it's learning healthy ways to channel that fury against hate into something constructive so that you do not become the very thing you hate.
[/quote]
I find it hard to understand - why would anyone who had experienced hate or bullying want to continue that cycle after knowing how much pain is inflicted by bullying. Why would they - knowing how awful it feels want to inflict that same pain on to someone else.

Sometimes it's not mistaking the abuse for love, but wanting another chance to win the love of an abuser.

When someone is abused they are sometimes crushed and actually believe they deserved it. A person who reminds them of the abuser can seem attractive because not only is the treatment what is expected and thought to be deserved BUT it also gives the abused a second chance to try to fix herself/himself to be good enough for the abuser...

Sometimes the abused feels that if an abuser will only start loving her/him, THEN he/she will be worthy of love or good enough for it. Abusers often know about this cycle too, and will seek out people who will put up with the abuse and keep coming back for more.

I am so glad that you came out of it, Lucie and were not crushed but are a a strong self-assured person!!

http://www.bswaid.org/lc_cms/page_view.asp?ID=716

I understand your point Emmy - we all deal with things differently.
Personally speaking I wouldn't put up with from anyone - what I had to put up with as a powerless child - it made me stronger and all the more determined not to put up with crap.
I really hate bullies - they fire me up.

so - maybe we are just talking from different view points - each has validity.

I don't think anyone gives out a 'please manipulate me look' or signal!!!! I am sorry I just don't see it.  I think bullies pick up on a gentleness or what they perceive as  a 'weakness'.  

It still seems like victim blaming to my mind.

rossco - there is a history that you don't know about - that drives my words. A history that I would love to go into - but I can't.
Sometimes - other peoples behaviour makes it harder to play nice.

I don't attack anyone - unless there is just cause.

I agree with you Tenaciousj - Quote below taken from previous page