Aspies For Freedom

not a perant but am an older aspie. and yes i did learn better control. i dont remember my meltdown of young child hood but i'm told i was voilent i punched a kid out for something. i remember disticly (after the indent i believe) the rule that i was Never to hit anyone. and i never did to my knowlenge.

now my meltdowns are emotion based.
ohh and does your son have like a note pad you can write things on or he can write things on if he profeict at it. that help me haveing a note pad i write home work i keep it in my purse and set it out during class time and write the homework down on it. then i look at what i rote down cuase i cant remeber if i dont see the thing right there.

if he has no home work yet you could give him to two not pads one for home one for school.

hope some of this helps.
repectfully yours,
Christine AKA Guardain

i'm i right in guessing he cant remember what you wanted him to do if he leaves the place where the request was made?

i need to explain
not write in for feeling and the like.
a note pad that is solely used for rountine perposes  
i'll give a personal ex.

its a school day i have eniglish first.
i come in and sit down . and reach into my purse and pull out a note pad i use for home work: i write the day the date and theclass before any thing else. and underline it(class). the home work is eathere given out or written on the board, some times both. under class class i write the name given for the homework. the note book stays out all class soi can write down any thing else nessary.

My son is only 3-and-a-half, and he has not been officially diagnosed. He has several meltdowns every day, usually when we tell him he can't do something nutty that he wants to do (today he wanted to pour sand in the swimming pool, for example). He will scream and tantrum, and then continue to try to do the thing he wants to do that we've told him not to do. This can go on and on and on. We have to use a "naughty chair"--although your stepson is too old for that--when things get really out of control (throwing toys, hitting people), but for other things we try to use an incentive/privilege system. I found this the other day http://www.rewardsforkids.com/ and think it has some decent charts, even for someone aged 9. The trick is to give the child a reason to "behave," not so much to give them a prize for being reasonable. It is a challenging, ongoing process. One thing I try to remember is that some of these behaviors are age-appropriate, even for a child not on the spectrum. Not wanting to go to bed, threatening to run away, etc., are things any kid might do. If your stepson behaves so much better for your wife's parents (his grandparents), perhaps it's because they're more stern with him (hopefully it's not because they're more lenient and give in to him constantly, because that could be making your job harder). The best way for us--and it's a work in progress, believe me--has been consistency and direct language. We do not say, "Do you want to go shopping?" We say, "We're going shopping. You can play for fifteen minutes, but then you have to put your shoes on so we can go." We don't negotiate. It doesn't pay to be "mean," the child will just become more upset, especially if he gets confused about emotions or facial expressions. But it does help to be strong, confident, straight-forward, and no-nonsense.

I think it's nice that you post to ask questions - you seem to want to help your stepson. You mentioned that he gets into trouble for not meeting expectations (sorry can't quite remember exactly what you said) but it occurs to me that perhaps he shouldn't "get into trouble", rather he should be given skills to help him to learn to meet expectations. Perhaps aim to work as a co-operative rather than one person stating the expectations, my feeling is that you should help him to learn to meet expectations (not to say you don't do this).
I don't see anything wrong in bribery - I prefer to think of it as a reward system and if he doesn't meet expectations he doesn't get the reward.
Trying to make his life as stress free as possible is a good way to cut back on meltdowns. Work out what he is able to cope with, and go from there. Allow him lots of down time to recuperate from the world and all its stressors.
I found with my son things got more difficult when testosterone kicked in.
A psychologist or behavioural therapist would need to have a very good understanding of aspergers  if they were going to be helpful for your stepson (just my opinion).

Yes, this is exactly what I was attempting to say! It seems best to avoid "punishment" after the fact, or desperate attempts to stop a meltdown with threats, anger, etc. The ideal thing is to head meltdowns off at the pass by creating--and sticking to--a system the child responds to. Parents of NT kids do this same thing. Make sure the child understands the expectation as well as the privilege that will be earned for meeting the expectation. Your stepson can control his behavior, at least most of the time, so you need to give him a reason to do so that makes sense to him. An AS kid doesn't feel the same pressure of the "social contract" that most NT kids do, so he probably won't behave appropriately just because he should, or because people are watching. You have to entice him with something that matters to him.

Hi barnburner -  I thought you said it quite well - I didn't see your first post till after I posted.

I figured that, but you explained it better than I did! It's about creating a workable environment whenever possible, and creating incentives to deal with the other unworkable, uncontrollable environments encountered each day. Any family that runs smoothly operates this way to some degree, spectrum or no spectrum. If you watch Supernanny or one of those shows you see that all kinds of kids and all kinds of parents have situations they find impossible. You want to tear your hair out sometimes, but that's life. I wanted to tear my hair out sometimes before I had kids, when I was driven crazy at the office, etc., so I try to remind myself that everybody has frustrations, AS or no AS. Having said that, there are particular AS things that can be grating. Like choli's stepson, my son likes to dunk his food into whatever he's drinking. It's partly "playing with his food" and partly a experiment for him (will this food fall apart in that milk? will this food puff up if I did it in liquid?). Either way, it's a bother. Sometimes I deal with stuff like this by making a rule I want (no dunking food into your beverage) while creating an acceptable activity that will satisfy my son's urge to do the annoying behavior. For the dunking, I may create stations outside, with cups full of water and a selection of things for him to dunk (sticks, Saltines, leaves, sponges). It's easier for him to resist dunking his food if he knows he'll get to do some other, more appropriate dunking later. But he's only three. Not sure how to do something like that with a nine year old.

I just wrote this in wrong planet to help their grandson I hope you find this information useful:

I've got a book called "Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments: Practical Solutions for Tantrums, Rage, and Meltdowns" by Brenda Smith Myles and Jack Southwick.

I read it front to cover, most of the suggestions given would have enraged me more, but obviously some of these ideas work because it makes a book:

it says you have to use these techniques before a meltdown begins, before it actually begins there is usually a set of behavoirs your grandchild will do.

this list i copied from the book, it's meant for a school setting but i guess you could modify it for home use.

Antiseptic Bouncing (soccerfreak approved!)
involves removing a student, in a non-punitive fashion from the enviroment in which he is experiencing difficulty and assigning a new task. EX. remove your grandson from whatever and then ask him to put the mail in the mailbox.

Proximity Control (this one would annoy me)
rather than calling attention to the behavoir, stand next to the student who is experiencing difficulty.

Signal Interference (annoying)
when a student is experiencing difficulty, the teacher uses a nonverbal signal to let the student know that she is aware of the situation. The teacher can use eye contact or a "secret signal" like flicking the lights or a look away.

touch control (i'd smack the bitch who'd lay a hand on me)
sometimes a touch can serve to stop behavoir. Gently touching the foot or leg of a student who is tapping his feet loudly may stop.

Defusing Tension Through Humor (good if it's dont right)
this technique involves using a joke in a potentially tense or eruptive moment. A joke can often prevent group contagion from occuring and salvage an interrupted lession. Care must be taken to ensure that student understands the humor and does not percieve himself as target of a joke.

Support from Routine
Displaying a chart or visual schedule of expectations and events can provide security to students.

Interest Boosting (soccerfreak approved)
sometimes showing personal interest in a student and her hobbies can assist a student in acting appropriatly. This involves a) making the student aware that you recognize her individual preferences or b) structing lessions around topic of interest.

home base (soccerfreak approved)
when student is experiencing difficulty, the teacher sends him to the home base, which is place whre the students can regain control. EX. send yur grandchild to his room or a special area of the house.

acknowledging student difficulties (annoying)
when the student breaks the rule, the teacher says out loud using eyecontact and including his name in the statement saying "everybody follows this rule" EX. your grandson threw something say "now we can't throw stuff everybody follows this rule".

walk dont talk (soccerfreak approved)
letting the student say anything he wants to the teacher without being punished for it. Just like the "chatting on" thing. EX. take your grandson out for a walk and do the "chatting on" thing.

Cartooning
a comic strip of social situations, used by speech teachers to understand their clients. But then later used by other teacher people for asperger's patients.

With the ice cream episode - speaking how I would have handled it - it wouldn't have worried me too much, to be honest.  If he made a habit out of sneaking and eating ice-cream  I might have said - no ice-cream after tea or whenever I planned to let him have ice cream next. I think perhaps I was a soft mum - but really I can't be bothered with ongoing battles of will.
Every one is different, that was just my way - I don't know that it was the right way.
I do feel though - that it is important to pick your battles.
You mentioned written instructions helped - I agree- writing lists for your stepson is probably a good idea.
My son used to get upset with himself after a meltdown, he would feel disappointment that he couldn't control his anger. We talked together to try and work out some things to do when he felt himself becoming angry.  A strategy that seemed to help was to take some time out and have a shower.

You may think that, but there are tons of other things you are asking him to do every day.

Is this your wife's only child and your only stepson? I just want to point out again that the problems you're having--not cleaning bedroom, not brushing teeth, not wanting to take a bath--are completely "normal" for any child.

And that's why it's not working. You need to have a system set up of incentives and privileges. It will not help to beg and bribe desperately when you're trying to get out the door. You will get angry and your stepson will get upset.

But make sure he understands what the rules will be. If he refrains from dunking his food at mealtimes, then he will get to go outside and dunk some very specific things into very specific containers.

Again, this is 100% "normal" behavior for a 9-year-old boy. Part of the issue may be that you're attributing a "problem" where you just have a "kid."

Just don't have any ice cream in the house for a while. Keep only boring snacks around and he won't be as interested. And again, I think lots of kids eat things they're not supposed to. This to me would not be a result of AS.

Plus, it just isn't worth kicking up a big fuss about the ice cream. I agree that it would be better to not have it in the house for a while. Kids often help themselves to food from the fridge, freezer or pantry cupboard.

I think it's also great to see a child who is so loyal to his friends that he's willing to defend them against bullies. He might have already found out that telling an adult is a waste of time. How many adults when told of a fight just think the kids should sort it out amongst themselves and not bother them about it?

Choli- what sort of schedule do you and your family have that there are so many abnormal days? My husband works retail, so I know all about how you can't be in control of those things sometimes. But it has helped me tremendously to be organized and plan around those things. Just knowing what the schedule is for the week is a huge difference... I would imagine that for a child with AS it would be even more important.

Yes I would agree that Ice cream isn't a big deal, however its more of the fact that he has been told to not touch stuff in the kitchen with out asking.

I have mentioned to her that we need to not have any type of junk food in the house that he isn't supposed to have.  

With the exception of what time I go into work (I have a 90 minute flex before my start time & 90 minutes after my start time) I work M - F (starting between 6 & 8 am).  My wife has a set schedule with her two days off in the middle of the week.  

What makes it abnormal is that if her mom gets scheduled on a day that she usually has off or her sister in law has to go into work (her sister works a couple of days at work & rest at home).  It also happens when her family takes the (seems like to me)  the bi monthly trip to Vegas.

Usually when there is a schedule change, my wife, her mom & sister all switch the babysitting days around.  For me taking a vacation day to cover, I have been told by the wife, that for me to try to get a day off or  switch my schedule, I am a last resort (for babysitting during the week).  If I already have a schedule vac day then I do watch him.

Like I mentioned before, he doesn't have any issues on the normal day he goes to his Aunt's, but if its any other day, then he has issues which don't come out until we're in front of their place.

During the summer for the most part he behaved pretty well, however since school will be starting back up next week, I am worried a little bit that he will start misbehaving again, & since he gets to learn cursive, that in itself, might cause another issue.

Abbynormal - you give good advice - I love your forum name.