Aspies For Freedom

Hello Everyone,

About a year ago, my 9 yr old step son was diagnosed with aspergers.  At the school he was going to, that every time he didn't want to behave (probably average about once very 1 1/2 weeks), my wife would get called because he was being unsafe.  

We had moved, which he started going to a different school, which has worked out better.  I believe that she has been only called maybe 10 times, but only a couple was to pick him up.

Other Traits he has is:
1) Has to have somewhat of a routine or be told many times we are going here, or doing this. 2) Likes playing video games & watching tv, In fact he hardly ever plays with toys. 3) Cannot be next to a bunch of people, at assemblies he has to sit off to the side next to one of teachers.  4) Hates meat (unless Mcdonalds cheeseburger), doesn't like cereal, likes to dunk his food (hand held type) into whatever he is drinking.  5)  Forgets things you ask him to do really quick (like getting dressed, put something away), unless we have something he wants to use then he has no problem remembering.  6)  Doesn't like going anywhere (except to a very few places)  7)  Behaves a lot more for her parents then to us.

Which brings me up to the topic,  lately when he has a meltdown, its usually on:  1)  He gets in trouble for doing something he wasn't supposed to do or have done.  2)  Trying to go somewhere that isn't on his approved list.  3)  Going to his Anut's on a different day then the day he usually goes.  4)  Being told he's getting taken away until he does something.  5)  Told its bedtime & he does't want to goto bed (this one, on some days he can have no issues & some he can), 6)  Be told were doinf, or going somewhere & then we don't (usually cause he didn't do something)

On a couple of he meltdowns he made a mess of his toys & has thrown stuff at the wall.  However the most common one was that he tries to run away.  At first we would put him outside telling him go, don't come back, close the door, & a few minutes later he wold be calm and want to come back in.  However the last time this happened he actually ran off, which I had to chase after him.  When in meltdown mode , we cannot talk to him, as he doesn't want to really listen.  Sometimes we can if we try to bribe him to do something (this is few & far between)

So my questions are what are some things to do or not to do when he has a meltdown?
Lately if he has melt downs on a regular basis, his physical output is fairly mello, & if they are spread out they are more intense.  Is it better to have try to have meltdowns as it seems that hes building all the anger up & releasing at on time ?

In a couple of months, he is going to either a behavior thearipist or a phycriatrist (sp?)  how well do they help?  and how well has medication worked?

Last question, have you seen it get worst as your son/daughter gets older  or better (like they are able to control it better)

Thanks!!

He does have a notepad that he can write in & we encourage to write, draw, etc.  However one thing that I don't think I mentioned was that he very distracted paying attention to stuff he wants to pay attention to as everything else is "boring"

For his homework, he was sent home with a paper saying what his homework was for the day or for the week.  Usually it was write 5 sentences, read for 20 minutes (he's a really good reader), & a page of math.

Hi Folks,  Thanks for the responses & I will try to respond to some questions & some of the things that were said.  For him forgetting to do something if he leaves the room, is not true as there have been times, that he was sitting in his room & I will ask him to tighten the cap on a bottle of water, pop, etc (for some reason he tends to knock the bottle over a lot).  

For trying to make his world as simple as possible, the only things that we really ask of him are:  do your homework, take a bath or a shower, goto bed, get dressed, brush your teeth, wash his hands, flush the toilet & clean his room.  He have noticed that if we don't tell him to clean his room, to the point that he makes it really messy that it takes a long time for him to clean it as he wants a 15 min break every 20 minutes or so, that we instead have him clean it every day (more likely put the few things away that he took out).   For brushing his teeth, has been no problems as long as we ask him to do it right after he eats breakfast.  One thing that I did which seemed to improve on the flushing & washing of his hands was I placed a sign on the wall that said "Please flush & wash your hands"

For the bribery thing, we usually only do that if its late & he is going someplace different to stay the night then on the normal night that he goes & thats its getting late or there is no other alternative plan available.  For instance on Tuesdays he goes to his Anut & Uncle & cousin's place to stay the night, on Monday night & Thursday nights he goes to his Grandparents.  We drop him off in the evening as he is not responsive really early in the morning.   When Tuesday comes he has no issues on going to his Anut's however if its any other day then he will have a melt down, except that this one would be more of a "routine breaker" & that instead he wants to goto Grandma's.

One thing that I believe i mentioned earlier was that it seems like he behaves better for his Grandparents then for us.  The only thing I can think of was that She had lived at home until he was 6 & that since that was his first home he tends to be more responsive.  From what I can tell with his grandparents is that if they ask him to do something usually he does it.  Is it because he knows he will get rewarded later on, I am not exactly sure.  

At one time we did try somewhat of a reward type system as his school was doing a point system based upon certain criteria.  Example would be  Paid attention, Listened, Followed directions, etc which we told him that if got a certain amount of points from that we would buy him a video game, or take him to arcade, etc & allowed him to choose what he would like to do.  To a certain degree this worked, the one thing that I would say that didn't make something like this be a total success is the fact that he tends to forget things very easily.  At one point, I had thought of checking & seeing if they made a device that hooked up to his tv & about every 10 minutes or so would over ride whatever channel was on & reminding him to do something.

Barnburner mentioned giving their son a sponge to dunk.  After I read that we were eating & he was trying to dunk his spaghetti in what he was drinking, which his mom told him that she didn't want him to dunk & then I asked him if he wanted something else to dunk.  He sorta excitedly said "yeah yeah"  so I will probably try that to see how he acts or if that works for the dunking.  

One thing that I did see that has had pretty good success is that I got a Nintendo DS that he has been asking for his birthday, Christmas etc which he haven't got for him as I had purchased him a gamecube & had an xbox before we met.  Just about everyday he will ask if he can play it, which I will say he can if he does something or something I have asked.  

He does know that he shouldn't do the things he does when he has a meltdown or some of the things he does when he doesn't.  For instance he would get in trouble at school or seeing one of his friends get hit by someone else.  We would tell him to tell someone, but instead he would hit the person back & thus he would be the only one that would get caught.  

Another thing that we did try & it worked to a degree but due to schedule changes of either my wife, his aunt, or grandparents, was to put up a daily schedule of stuff that we would want him to do for that particular day which worked for those times when he everybody's schedule was normal.  

Last it was mentioned to try to head off meltdowns & not to punish while he is having one.  Yes we are guilty of that as usually his meltdowns are when he does something that he wasn't supposed to have done.  For instance the last one he had was, that my wife had some ice cream in the freezer that he snunk off & ate w/o asking & as punishment she told him that he had to goto bed.

My question would be how would you have handled this ?  One thing that we did learn is that you can't take everything away from him all at the same time.

Sorry for the rant...

Thanks

I won't say that there are tons of other things we ask.  I will admit there are more things that we do ask, but the ones I listed are the mainly the ones that require him to actually do something.  Yes we ask him other questions but those are mainly thinking questions.  

Now its possible that thinking questions could be causing issues.

Very true.  I guess I am thinking of when I was young & for the most part did what I was asked, but I will admit that everyone is not like me.

I will talk to the wife about setting something up that covers the stuff that there are usually meltdowns are involved with.  I will have to think of something that he will constantly sees or reminds him.  At the moment, he has a very selective memory on what he remembers & what he will forget 5 minutes later.

- Don't try to talk to him, hug him or be near him during a meltdown.  Allow him to choose an appropriate room in the house (perhaps his room) and let him go through the meltdown process alone.   When he is ready, he will come back out and will be much calmer after allowing himself time and space to clear his head.  A meltdown is not a temper tantrum.  You say he has meltdowns when he has gotten in trouble and I believe you.  However, the meltdown is a result of not only what caused him to get into trouble, but all the stress to which he was exposed during the day.  

- What you teach him in one situation will not translate to a different situation.

- Visual aids were and still are important and my son is now 10.   A visual schedule of what is expected day to day is a great help.

- Do whatever is possible to avoid meltdowns by giving him  a routine and sticking to it as much as possible.  If the routine must be changed, give him as much notice as possible, explain why the routine is changing, etc.  Spontaneity is not a good idea.

- POSITIVE BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION, POSITIVE BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION, POSITIVE BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - you can find alot of info on the web.

- Have the school do an assessment and implement positive behavior modification during school.

- On the food issue and being in large groups, search Sensory Integration Disorder to find out just how much his senses are being overloaded by the events to which he is being subjected.  My son cannot sit at a table in the lunchroom with other children due to the smell of their food making him sick.  Large group activities lead to stimming and outbursts if we haven't prepared him ahead of time.

- Meltdowns decrease with the parent and teachers' abilities to spot triggers to meltdowns and re-direct the child before a total meltdown begins.  It takes time and much work, but choose your battles wisely.   Keep a diary and review what has happened during the day before he has a meltdown and you will begin to see the triggers.   After many tearful nights I finally learned there are some things just not worth the fight simply because as parents we think we should always win.  With an Aspie child, the best way is always compromise and negotiation, rather than "my way or the highway".