Aspies For Freedom

My son is 3.5 and we suspect he would be diagnosed with AS or somewhere on the spectrum if we had him evaluated. He is very intelligent, and has been speaking clearly and in complete sentences since about 18 months. He has many interests, and is not just obsessed with one thing. For example, he may be into bugs for a month, wanting to see them, learn about them, etc. After that he may be interested in boats. After studying boats for a while, he may become interested in dogs. And on and on. He retains all the previous interests, but continually gains new ones. He loves to learn about a variety of subjects. We think this is cool, and enjoy learning all these things along with him. My son will eat just about anything, sleeps great at night, was easy to potty train, has known his colors and letters for ages, etc. In almost every way he seems "advanced." Except socially. He does not play with other kids, and really will not even talk to them. He will talk to adults until the cows come home, but becomes very anxious whenever kids are around. He sometimes acts out around other kids when his anxiety gets the better of him. He might push or pinch another kid when what he really seems to want to do is talk to that child or play with that child.

Should he see a professional for a diagnosis? How do I know what kind of expert will be best suited to evaluate him? What if he is misdiagnosed and ends up pigeon-holed forever? My husband and I don't think there's really anything wrong with our son, but I'm worried that the social issues will get worse or get him into trouble in school. Should we wait and see how he does, or should we intervene asap? My husband and I are both on the spectrum (self-diagnosed), but back when we were kids, it used to just be called "weird." I have a slight problem with slapping a medical diagnosis on someone to explain the fact that he just doesn't want to talk to you! But I do want to make sure I'm not just "covering" for my son and putting my head in the sand. I want what's best for him. Help!

Thank you very much for the insight. My husband would agree with you. He sees himself in our son and therefore does not see a problem! I'm worried that my son will have issues in preschool this year. He did wonderfully last year, but he was only two then, and social interaction wasn't expected. He has not improved much socially, still does not like pretend play or imagination stuff, etc.

And does anyone else have a child who refuses to watch TV? My son will occasionally watch Mr. Rogers (because of the Picture Picture part) or a documentary show, but other than that, nope. If I can get him to watch a cartoon-type show, he will usually only watch it once. Although he appears interested while watching it, he will never want to see that show again.

I also meant to ask: what do you tell people who are obviously judging your child's behavior? Some people see my son as "rude" when he ignores them in social situations. I never know what to say. Sometimes I say, "We're still working on social skills." Other times I say nothing. Some people are clearly trying to engage my son, but I know very well they will fail. It's all very awkward.

All I can say is that it gets easier.  I know people who seem to spend a lot of time explaining and apologizing for their children.  I choose not to do this.  The children must negotiate their social existences, not me.  They choose their friends, not me.

I know, but at age three my child cannot negotiate his social existence. It's my friends who are the problem, not my child's friends. My friends try to "help" by attempting to "diagnose" or "figure out" my son. It annoys me, but I never know what to say. One friend keeps comparing my son to some other kid she knows who has "sensory issues." I have to bite my tongue to keep from telling her what I think might be wrong with her son! LOL! I would never say anything about someone else's child like that, but I notice that some people think they're experts in autism/AS because they know someone or read some magazine article.

Is he an only child?  Maybe he's just not used to being around other kids.  He sounds fine to me.  I'd just let him be.

When your friends make comments based on magazine articles they've read, just tell him you think he's fine.  And say it with gusto!  Because he is!

Thank you for the advice. This is what we have been doing, and I guess I'm just looking for support for the decision. My husband and I are getting very good at knowing how to make our son's life more comfortable--routines, explanations, incentives and rewards--and everything is going quite well. We have a wonderful time with our son and enjoy his fascinating mind. It's when he's around other people that I worry. Having friends come over with kids is very stressful for all of us. I know my son will ignore the kids, walk away from them mid-sentence, or squirt them with the garden hose (as he did earlier this week!). This other parent is then looking at my son thinking, "What's wrong with that kid?!" My son seems rude to them, and I just don't know what to say. I'm going to try a suggestion I received on this thread: when someone is sizing up my son or asking what his problem is, I'm going to simply say, "He's fine" and leave it at that. That won't wash in preschool, though, so I'll just have to see how things go there.

Some here seem to say the psychologists and evaluations are a good idea and others say that stuff is a bad idea. My son's pediatrician has said he's "gifted," but frankly I don't see much difference between "gifted" and Asperger's or HFA. I get more confused about this stuff by the day.

The confusing thing is that some days my son seems to be doing well and other days he seems like he needs real help. Yesterday, for example, he was thrilled to play a game where I called out a type of animal and he pretended to be that animal. I'd say, "Cow!" and he's crawl on all fours and moo. Then I'd shout out, "Kangaroo!" and he'd get up and hop around. One of his major deficits is in "pretend play," but his enthusiasm for this game we played yesterday seemed like a step in the right direction. He wasn't really "pretending," I suppose, just using knowledge he had (what sound does that animal make, how does it move) to illustrate something. But it's as close to pretending as I've ever seen from him. After all, he knows he's not a kangaroo, but he acted like one anyway. Six months ago he would not have played this game, but instead would have said, "But I'm not a kangaroo, I'm a boy!"

If I could know for sure that I could find a professional who would really help my son and not try to change him, I would be all for it. But where do I find someone like that? Does that person exist?

I honestly thought my son was just "smart" and never considered that there was something otherwise different about him. Things changed rather recently, especially after a woman I know told me she'd "never seen anything like" my son's tantrums. I thought every parent experienced those types of meltdowns, but I guess not! This woman's young kids are very meek. She can give them the evil eye or do the old "Young man, you calm down right now!" and her kids will snap out of it. My son is much more intense. If he sees you as "soft" (i.e., like waffling on the rules), the more his tantrum will escalate. If he's throwing toys around the room and screaming, the worst thing you can do is get down on his level and say, "Now, honey, please calm down. Tell me what's wrong. Can you do that? You don't need to throw toys or scream. I can help you if you can just calm down and tell me what's wrong..." Try that and you'll end up with a toy in your face. The only effective way to handle a tantrum like that is to put him in the naughty chair and walk away, as in Supernanny. He needs that kind of firm approach. I believe he finds comfort in knowing that his behavior can be controlled by an outside force (the naughty chair) when he can't control it himself. Sounds like any pre-schooler, really, but when you add in the social deficit, the pedantic language, the word play, etc., he comes out as an Aspie, I think.

I am leaning more and more toward an evaluation, if only to clear all this up and maybe keep my son from getting a reputation as a "bad" kid. He has already been in trouble at preschool for hitting/grabbing/squeezing other kids. He just doesn't know any other way to communicate with them (I guess?), despite his huge vocabulary. As long as he's engaged in something, he's fine. But left without structure, like in a group of kids at recess, he gets into trouble, or at the very least goes off by himself and starts digging a hole in the mud or something. I'm just getting nervous about the future. Is it going to be a big deal if he's diagnosed as Asperger's? Like will everyone in the school know he's "special needs," etc., etc.? I'd rather have him mainstreamed and just considered "different," rather than point a finger at him and say, "You're not acting like us, so you're wrong!" I definitely agree with Simon Baron-Cohen about people with Asperger's not necessarily having a disability. The only thing my son can't do well is socialize. In every other way he's better than all the other kids.

Hmm. Maybe I was given bad information. I was told that once your child is diagnosed and the school system has been informed, you can end up in a big mess. If they decide your child is on the spectrum and "emotionally disturbed" or something like that, your child is permanently branded, they want him medicated, etc. I didn't think my son could or should "hide" his "difference," I was saying I didn't know why he can't just go to school as "different," as your kids apparently do, without being diagnosed as having some kind of "disorder." I was a "weird" kid in school, and I didn't care. I was never put in special classes, medicated, etc., I was just allowed to be myself and if the other kids didn't like me, that was their problem. Those were the old "sticks and stones will break my bones" days, and anyone who picked on the "weird" kid was considered a bully. Now that "bully" gets to define the norm. It's annoying.

Your kids don't have a diagnosis, but has a teacher ever questioned you about their behavior? If so, what did you say? Why have you chosen not to seek a diagnosis for your kids? I've heard here that there are some kinds of special services you can receive once you do have a diagnosis, and that would be one reason to do it. But since people here are posting from all over the world, it's hard to know what kinds of special services I can expect in my area (the USA).

One more question: what is an "initial consultation" and where do I get one? I don't even know where to begin with any of this stuff. Who is the best person to evaluate my son? How do I know if that person is qualified?

I'm in the US, and it was actually a teacher friend here who told me to be careful of an evaluation or "diagnosis," especially one made by the school. That all goes on the "permanent record," and a wrong diagnosis can dog the kid forever. So it's preferable to go to a medical person for the diagnosis, but I'm still not exactly sure what kind of medical person. The pediatrician thinks my son is "gifted," but she only sees him once a year for fifteen minutes. I guess I could ask her what to do, though. My teacher friend says I should wait until my son enters kindergarten, because the "culture" of kindergarten is different from that of preschool, and my son may do better in that environment. He hasn't had major problems at preschool yet, I just expect he will since his social skills are not improving at all. It was OK for him to ignore everybody last year, because he was only 2. By age three they expect more interaction among peers. Some people in other posts here have suggested I wait until he is 5 to give him a little more time to mature, which goes along with what my teacher friend says. But I don't want to miss a window of opportunity for early intervention if that could be of help to my son. He gets anxious around other kids and that's when he tends to act out. I wish I had tools to help him with that. I don't care if he likes the other kids at school--I didn't like the kids in my school, except for my one best friend--but it does help to be able to "fit in."

Today I visited a man who is recovering from surgery, and I brought my son along. My son was at first quiet, looking around the room, etc., as I was talking to this man, but then my son suddenly said, "The rug in this room is very dirty!" I was mortified. Of course the man we were visiting made light of it, said his wife would agree with my son, etc., and laughed. But I felt horrible. And the rug wasn't even actually dirty, at least not as far as I could see. I think my son was just referring to a line he'd heard me say about a dirty rug in our own house. My son then proceeded to climb on the furniture, putting his shoes all over the chair seats. I told him to please keep his shoes off this man's furniture, but my son ignored me, laughed, and deliberately put his shoes all over the furniture some more. Then he started poking at a floor lamp, trying to knock it over. Keep in mind, all this was going on while I was trying to have a conversation with the housebound guy we were visiting! My son also started interrupting our conversation to shout out random things, "There's a fly over there in the fireplace!" or "Why is that ceiling fan spinning so slowly?" In some ways it seemed like he was just being bratty and trying to get attention, but there was something else at work. I believe the social setting was freaking him out, even though there was just one other adult in the room (and my son usually does quite well with adults). My son eventually started melting down big time (and we were only there for twenty minutes) and I had to lift him out of the chair he was in and carry him, kicking and screaming, out to the car. I had never experienced anything like this before with my son. My first reaction was not to take him with me next time I go to someone's house! This incident has made me once again think about getting a diagnosis. I feel like my son needs help before things get really out of hand. My husband still disagrees and thinks it's not as bad as I'm making it out to be. Sigh.

Have any of you experienced and incident like this? If so, how did you deal with it? I guess next time I take my son somewhere like that, I'll have to set up some incentives before we leave, to encourage him to act in a more appropriate manner. I just didn't expect him to act out like that, so I didn't really prepare him.