Aspies For Freedom

Hello - I'm a new poster here an NT girl married to someone who we have realised is probably AS.  I'm coming on here to try to get some positive postings to help us make our future together brighter.

We've been married 10 years - mostly very happily - and have jogged along together nicely most the time even though I've sometimes found my other half a bit 'different'.   He is quiet, but does enjoy socialising - especially if I'm there to help him along - and before he met me he had difficulty in keeping relationships going because he was too vague/got carried away with his interests and forgot about gf etc.  We have always had our own 'language' for communicating (strangely something we've never discussed) and things like the fact that he found giving/receiving presents painful we resolved by not giving any and choosing something nice to do together for our birthdays instead.  I love him as he is and don't want to change him, but worry that he has problems expressing his emotions.  This caused him to be very ill with depression when his parents died a few years ago.  With help he got over that, we started a new life and business and things were going OK.  We are a good team in that I'm very organised/ a good planner and he is very practical and does all the work that I've planned, for example we renovated our house, I dealt with planning, budgeting, irritating authorities etc and he did most of the work!  So far so good.

This year has not been so bright as after Xmas I became very ill with flu and for a few months really couldn't cope.  To my upset and concern instead of supporting me, my husband became distant and miserable and when I confronted him say that just for once I wanted him to be in control and take over my responsibilities for a while he simply told me hurtfully (but truthfully) that he realised he should probably be nicer to me but in fact my inability to cope just made him angry.  He was sorry for upsetting me and we tried to sort it out.  I felt he was possibly becoming depressed again and asked him to see doctor.  In the meantime his nephew - aged 7 - was diagnosed as AS and one evening he suddenly said that he thought he had AS and probably we should split up as although he loved me he didn't think he could be more supportive or different.

I was naturally upset, but said I knew nothing about Aspergers and I loved him anyway and together we got him to do Aspie test which gave him a score of 148 (guess he is then)   I tried to read as much on the net as I could while telling him it was not the end of the world and we could work things out.  Unfortunately I stumbled across a horrible forum where people married to aspies slagged them off and said how awful their marriages were. and frankly it upset me so much I cried for two days.  Then I pulled myself together (I'm normally pretty sensible) realised that he was still the same nice bloke I married and we have tried to talk about it.

We seem to be getting somewhere and the last few weeks we have been happier again and he is trying to explain to me how he feels.  I've often felt he was not as communicative with me as with others but he has explained that he feels more comfortable with me and doesn't feel the need to be someone else.  I'm trying to adjust and make myself a bit plainer when I talk - I suppose shouting at him to stop just saying 'Yes' when it was all the poor man could do to get that word out was pretty counter productive.  I' m trying to be calmer and explain things a bit more simply and he is trying to tell me what he really feels instead of just saying 'Yes' and ignoring me.  He says it is a bit painful after many years of pretending to be 'ordinary' (he is 47) but we are trying.

There seem to be plenty of people on this site who are happy in NT/AS relationships so I'd be really grateful if someone could give me a bit of positive encouragement and maybe ideas for communicating better.  I'm a pretty independent person, I know my husband loves me even if he doesn't always express it in conventional ways and I feel our finding out about AS will hopefully enable us to find an easier way of communicating.  In general I really don't mind being 'in charge' (always was a bossy cow) and dealing with planning and fiancial aspects of our life, but what has happened has made us both realise that we could do with making some contingency strategies to help him cope if things go awry again.  Particularly helpful would any ideas of giving him a sense that if I don't automatically do something from our daily routine he should check whether it needs doing, like he forgot to pay the electric bill when I was ill,  and if I didn't get up he forgot to let the dogs out unless I told him to.  Not that important but if you are ill having to do all the thinking wears you out.

Thanks for listeneing - hope you can inspire us.

'ey!

Welcome to AFF!

I'm calling myself "the devil", but I'm really a norwegian 16yo aspie.

Welcome to AFF!

i call myself the "fastjedi",but I'm really a British 17yo Aspie

Daisy May, I'm 43 and have been married for 16 years. Though I've always assumed that my hubby and I are equally odd, it seems that I'm the likelier aspy. The candor of your post was truly beautiful. You two are fortunate to have each other.  If your guy is anything like my two spectrum boys, his suggestion to separate was entirely selfless, perhaps even noble. Self-sacrifice seems a bit easy for us -- at least in my family.

Lists.  Make lists of the critical things to do and when they must be done.   Make these lists while you are feeling well.  Keep them in a file with a very obvious title on your computer's desktop.  Include any necessary info for accomplishing said tasks, such as addresses or phone numbers.  Make a grocery shopping list also -- things that must be acquired with regularity.  He can check the status of those item before going to the store.  I live and thrive on lists.  I must write out a list of things to accomplish on any given day or the day disappears and nothing has been done.

Hope that helps. Consider yourself cyber-hugged.

Thanks Grizaldatee - lists is a good idea.  I've already bought him an extra alarm clock so he remembers to come home!  He once "forgot" me at an airport (went to car parts shop and got carried away and forgot all about getting me).  Had to laugh really though I was mad at the time.  I'm great pals with his boss's wife so if I need him to come home from work at a certain time I just ring her and she throws him out.  He can laugh at his inability to get anywhere on time so at least we both find humour in our differences.  

Keep up the suggestions folks.

I think a lot of the problems with AS/NT relationships come when one or both partners are unaware of the other having a different mind - In this case, if he's only just self-diagnosed, that makes sense. While everyone is different, here's a few things that have helped me (I've been married to an NT woman for nearly 2 years).

One of the main issues is relationship status - An Aspie may assume that certain things like love and support "go without saying" in a relationship, whereas generally NT's like to constantly re-affirm these things. This one you could try to meet halfway on - ask him to try to let you know his feelings for you once every couple of weeks or so, while also not getting annoyed at him if he doesn't offer supportive comments at the appropriate time - it doesn't mean he doesn't support you, just that it seems like you would already know.

Regarding the illness, its natural for an NT to want lots of attention when they are feeling ill or upset, whereas an Aspie may wonder how standing next to the bed talking is going to make you feel better. This is probably something that is going to approve now that you are both more aware of each others minds.

With the finance and planning aspects, it may be hard for him to go from not doing these things at all to having to do them when you're not feeling well. Perhaps if you tried to work up to both doing an equal share on a day to day basis, it may not be such a shock to the system if he has to take over for short periods of time.

In general, him just knowing about his Aspergers will help him understand some of the differences between you, and this should allay a lot of the problems between you over time.

Hope this helps!

Hey, welcome to AFF!
Not married, so no advice except to keep exploring what your respective possibilities for true understanding of each other are. If you can be really safe with each other, then you'll be able to take more risks with each other.

Hang in

Hi Daisy May, I'm NT and am married to an Aspie.  I think the people who complain at lot about their AS partners are probably just the louder people. I would say there are plenty who live happily too. My partner and I have a really good relationship, although he did know he was AS before we met.  

I've come on here to try to learn more about him too. One thing I can tell you that I've found with my husband is in the face of anger or anything upsetting he becomes distant and withdraws. He also doesn't express himself in the normal way when he is annoyed, for instance sometimes he will smile and I can only tell by the noticing him withdraw from me and become quiet.

We do have different goals around the house as well. I tend to care a lot more about the presentation of the house and what other people think if they come to visit than he does.  The financial planning side of things would probably be easier for you if you try to share it with your partner while you are well, so that if you become sick he knows what to do.

This is a pretty normal response for a lot of aspies.  Personally, I think you should be glad he was honest with you- if you two share exactly how you're really feeling at what you're thinking, it will make it easier to understand each other and work out solutions.  It may not happen right away, but over time it will be really usefull.

That was probably the FAAS site.  I have to wonder how many poor people have had their relationships ruined because they found that site.

Hi Daisy May!  Yours is a truly inspiring post of how two people who love each other can get over difficulties.  My husband and I have been married for 22 years.  He's NT and I'm Aspie, as is our teenage daughter.  We all love each other to bits and the family unit is the most important thing in our lives.

I wouldn't worry too much about your husband when he said he wanted to split up; it sounded to me that he panicked at the change to your normal routine and couldn't think of a solution and so overreacted. I know from personal experience that changes to established routine are terrifying.  That doesn't help you, I know, when you're feeling sick and vulnerable yourself.  That's the problem, probably - he's so used to you being strong that he falls apart when you're not!  

You sound like a very nice person and I wish you both happiness in the future.  We need more people as understanding and loving as you seem to be.

Alison

Thank you Alison and to all who replied.  I am trying very hard to understand how he thinks (not easy for me) and we are slowly getting there I think.  I do try to get him interested in budgeting etc, but if I'm honest it is hard for him to maintain an interest and even when we are talking about it I can see his mind is else where.

I hope I don't make him sound awful.  He's not, he is lovely - everyone likes him (even though they can think he is a bit vague) and I consider myself very lucky to be married to him.  He is a very hard worker and very kind.  Sometimes, however, I wish he could express things more.  I once asked why he never praised me in public and he said he hated giving compliments as even if they were true he felt stupid saying things which were obvious!  He has promised to try to think of a special compliment word as he finds it easier to say things if he doesn't use the real word (that sounds wierd doesn't it).

I think the AS business is a bit of a shock.  We have his sister to visit next week, with nephew who is dagnosed AS, and husband has said he wants to talk to her about it which is a great step.

Wish us luck.  I'll keep coming here to try and understand more.

Thanks

Daisy may

Daisy May, I think it's just great that you're trying to understand him and love him for who he is, and trying to find out more about AS instead of just freaking out and denying it. You sound like a great wife and person.

The breaking up thing is probably pretty normal, when I first realized I might have AS I felt really strange being around people and part of me wanted to stay away from my friends because I thought trying to get along with them would only end in frustration for everyone. I'm sure it has nothing to do with how he really feels about you.

Good luck with your relationship.

And BTW, this is totally off topic but, but Daisy May, I noticed something interesting about your screen name. In the Pokemon video games, there's this girl. She didn't originally have a name in the video games, but in the manga adaption she was called May. Except then the sequel to the video games came out, apparently the video game translators didn't know about the manga, and they called her Daisy. So her names are Daisy and May. He he.

I'm a 15 year old aspie girl who has an aspie boyfriend for about 6 months. He's a pretty sweet, polite, and affectionate boy. he loves to give me hugs and take me to the movies. there are times, however, when he insists on doing things his way. Like, he always pushes me to let his dad take me home instead of have my mom pick me up. i think this is just because his dad pushes him really hard on social skills, and won't just let him act natural. also, he doesn't usually say what he feels, he just shows it (i don't mind this though, as action speaks louder than words.) he's lucky to have a girlfriend who actually understands him and doesn't mind his muttering, excessive affection, and need for attention. his former girlfriend thought he was following her around too much and she noticed he was getting bothered by seeing her with other boys. after she broke up with him, it took him a while to get over her. but then there was me....