Aspies For Freedom

Hello all,
I've just joined this forum today, but i've been reading the website quite a lot lately since both me and my boyfriend think that he has traits of Asperger's Syndrome.
I don't know where to start. Me and boyfriend met at the beach a year and a half ago and just like a fairytale fell in love and have been going so passionately until recently. We moved in together after just 5 months and were both looking ahead and planning our lives together. Our happiness was so obvious that everyone around us thought of us as a perfect couple, just happy, both very caring and loving, and have common interests... we've travelled a lot around the world, visited 6 countries, some of them twice, in just 18 months! it's been great, i've had the best time of my life and had the chance to experience amazing emotions and be lucky to have him feel the same.
his ways of expressing his love were just amazing... like any person would dream their lover to be. We have some age gap, 7 years with me at 25 now but it never felt like a problem since im more mature than my age and we click very well.
Now from second day we met, he told me he has a son who also happens to be autistic and who lives with his mother in his home country. He loves his son so much and he visits him every month for a week or few days. I don't mind that at all, on the contrary, I saw what a good father he is, although he doesn't agree that he's good enough.
Our relationship was very strong yet we had arguments from time to time, mostly about stupid things that lots of times are about me not giving him enough space or getting too jealous although i have no reason to. I've never trusted any person like that, but he's well worth it. Never showed me disrespect but always made me feel that I'm too good for him and I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and the only one he wants. i know he is genuine... he's a great guy and i don't want to lose him now!
The big problem started when last month he went to visit his son and he wasn't communicating with me like he used to before. He said he didn't want any distractions while with his son. My fault is that i didn't understand this at start and insisted he messages me every day and calls whenever he's alone... but he didn't. instead of the 'i miss u' messages that i used to get every hour, i only got cold replies to my messages, very formal ones.
I kept nagging, and the more i nagged, the worse it got! the worst was when he came back and i started complaining... i lost my mind! im very emotional and sensitive and it was as if he got me used to all the passion back and now he suddenly stopped... i couldn't get it.
He has opened up b4 that incident once and told me that he thinks he has AS. I said it won't matter to me coz he's still the same person so im going to stay with him no matter what.
Now i realize it's not as easy as it seemed but still i wanna stay with him. the problem now is that by my behaviour i killed lots of feelings he had for me... thats what he told me. im so desperate to get it back... to make him realize that i've truely changed... that im back the same person he met and was attracted to for so many reasons. the only image he sees of me now, is the dark side of me but i swear i've changed and im willing to sacrifice and compromise and do all it takes to keep us going. i just can't see my life without him.. the idea just makes me go crazy!
Now we've agreed on a scheme after we talked about it. we'll start 'dating' again and see if his feelings can come back. until then i have to supress my extra feelings and take what i get without asking for more. im trying not to pressure him... doing my best really and taking the time to think as well and give myself a space that i've denied for long time. i love him so much that i wanna spend every second with him and this is what's destroying us! we work and live together and we share group of friends! i know u might be thinking thats way too much, of course it is, and only now i realize how much this harmed our relation.
The major problem i'm concerned about here is that, in order to be with him, i have to do it against my family's will (coz we come from different cultures and religions, I come from a conservative family in the middle east and he's a westerner) and so i'll be sacrificing a lot and i just fear that if he has AS, he might just walk off oneday when he's had  enough of me. and by that i would have lost both him and my family with no one to go  to... i know it's a risk even with any person but it's riskier in his case. He is worried about that too. Every few days now, he tells me that i'd be better off without him coz he thinks he'll ruin my llife... i don't agree with him... i always believe that we can be as happy as we were.... and i'd do anything for that. what hurts me, and i know it's not on purpose coz he probably has AS, is that he lost the feelings for me now.... i donno how long i can last trying... it caused me lots of stress and health problems already but i never wanna give up on him when i still have hope!

he's so depressed now because he's realizing that he might be AS after he kept denying it for himself for long. plz don't take me as selfish, i know he has more things to worry about now coz he's lost and confused but i can't not feel hurt... it's my life as well and i told him i'm willing to be there for him but he's pushing me away a bit and then getting closer again... we're both confused so please please give us some advice from experience and if there's hope that we can save it before it's too late... i just love him so much...[/font]

thanks and sorry for the long text...

I have learned it the hard way now that i would never push him into anything... it simply doesn't work but make things worse.
I'll try my best, thanks to forums like these to understand him more... Already i can feel some change in the way i'm behaving... i've grown up now... and probably woke up, hopefully not too late to save us!
I love him more than anything and anyone in this world... maybe even more than i love myself now... i simply adore him...
i can't stand seeing him depressed and confused like he is now... it hurts me so much...
i'll give him time, i'll be patient just to get him back to the same person he used to be. i'm just scared i'll be hurting myself too much by denying my needs, but this is what love is about for me.... giving more than taking.

I see several problems

Your friend is depressed, because he thinks he's an asperger. The only way to find out is to get a DX. And if he really is having problems this could be a very wise thing to do. If he is right you both might understand things in your relationship that you never did. And that can be helpful.

Your friend saw your 'dark side' and can not cope with that. He will have his 'dark side' too. In a good relationship you will know about the 'dark sides' of one another and learn how to deal with that. It's part of life. It's part of love and lasting relations. You're not perfect, neither is he. You don't have to be 'perfect', neither does he have to be 'perfect'

You let your happiness depend on your boyfriend. That's a burden too heavy for both of you. You can not make him happy, so you might feel you fail. But if he really is depressed you can not help him. You can love him, but not cure him. This is a burden to great for you. If you think you have to live for him, he has the burden to become happy again. That is a burden to great for him. No one can be (totally) responsible for the happyness of someone else. You can love and respect. And that can be very helpful. But if he is deeply depressed it won't be enough. (alas)

This means that you are responsible for yourself too. You can love him. You can do a lot for him. But it is very wise to love yourself too. Take care of yourself. Find something that makes you happy. Or you might hold his depression against him, because your happiness stopped too.

Do take care of yourself. And try to communicate. And when I read your posting I think you might need help with that.

And don't let the love for him stop you loving life.

btw I second Max question: Why do you think he is on the spectrum?

I highly agree, your diagnosis may be flawed, because an assumption and desire for him is getting in the way of looking for the truth, Hanging on.  All you have to do is to put commitment unto him, and show him how much you love for your boyfriend.

Hello again everyone,

Thanks for your replies.. I really appreciate that!

First I'd like to tell you that things have become much better and now I can say that I'm pretty much convinced that my bf has AS. We talked about it, I gave him some space, looked after myself for a change and came to realize that the only way this can work is for me to be more patient.

See, Im over-emotional and if he has AS, it's the worst ever combination! But I knew we had a great bond so I worked on the things I can change in myself (and which were bothering me anyways like my inability to control my emotions) instead of expecting him to change and putting pressure on him. Trust me, if for one second I believed that what was between us wasn't worth it, I wouldn't have gone so far trying to make it work to an extent that I sounded that desperate in the first post.

I realized that if he's angry for some reason and starts to make an argument, instead of shouting back and getting upset or crying, I should just leave him alone and not answer on things that he might said only coz he's angry. and it worked! the same goes for me if i get upset from something which he's done, I'm trying not to take it personal and get so hurt coz from reading more about AS, I know now that certainly he doesn't mean to hurt me on purpose.

The best thing is that I am actually finding it not as impossible as I thought it would be. I just need to calm down and eventually he comes up and apologizes if it was his mistake. Talking about it and identifying the reasons we get to argue was really helpful along with tips I got from this website about dealing with similar situations.

I'd like to note that Iam not offended by some comments made about me in this thread, I know i have my problems too and no one is perfect. What made me write in the first place was finding myself in a difficult situation, losing the man I love while I still believed in us... I know I went mental. It hurt me a lot still getting to this... but I think now I'm going the right way about it and I'll do my best to understand and cope with it coz he's a great guy.

We've just spent a lovely week together, I felt I'm gaining him back without losing myself and I believe it's the way to go.

Thanks again!

Exactly! thank you!
but you know sometimes you just don't think clearly when you're in the middle of it... especially that it's not easy... you just get close to giving up for reasons like 'we are too different' or we 'just don't suit eachother' but this is life again.

Everyone is different in their own way, but if there's something very strong between you, although it's not enough, it makes things a bit easier compromising to build this bridge, coz you know it's worth it... at the end of the day it's gonna make you both happy (hopefully)

McCoy: Imagine that. A passionate Vulcan.