Many of you have seen me post here before, but I thought I'd clarify my situation real fast before asking my question.
I'm a mom that has AS (self-DX). I have two daughters, aged 5 and 3. They're both wonderful kids, I think they are both NT... though I don't know.
Question:
My 5YO is getting ready to enter kindergarten in three weeks. She has been increasingly nervous this last week about it all.
She has been very difficult to be around this week, and we still have three weeks left! So my question is, how do you prepare her for kindergarten? I've looked on a few websites, parentcenter.com has a nice article about what to do with a nervous kindergartner... but what should I do with the emotions?
She doesn't seem to correlate her nasty behavior with her anxiety about kindergarten, should I try to draw those connections for her?
I don't know a lot of people in my area, are there any good ways to get her to meet kids from her school? (gulp... meeting new people...)
Part of me thinks I should just let her deal with it how she needs to deal with it, but she really just doesn't want to do anything that has to do with school. I know once she gets their she'll love it... she's so great with people, friendly and caring- real, true smiles to everyone she meets. Its amazing.
Anway, any advice would be very appreciated!
Sarahjoke,
I've heard more than once by professionals that most children react good in stress-situations if you treat them as if they are on the spectrum.
A teacher I knew had teached in special schools and now uses what she learnt for as kids in her mostly NT class.
So follow your intuition. Make a calender, or make up some stories with dolls, or tell her about a mystical girl, age 5 who will go to fairygarden in three weeks. You know your daughter best, even if she is NT and you are not.
And the emotions. They are there. This is part of growing up too. Both my daughters were full of emotions and tantrums before they went to kindergarten. The (assumed) AS and the (assumed) NT. I did walk and run more with them en went to playgrounds more, just to get rid of the physical aspects of the emotions. And the rest, I sometimes slept next to them, because of nightmares. We walked past the school a lot, so they could get used to it more. And I made up stories for the eldest. (she did that in turn for the youngest, so it was a lot easier on me then)
The first weeks of kindergarten were just as stressful as the weeks before, but after that it was ok. I know of a boy that was so stressed that after school his mom went walking the dogs with him for hours, him throwing the sticks, because he would totally flip at home if he did not get this physical opportunity to relief stress.
So run, have fun, tell stories. In the stories you can put emotions, but you can also make the main figure succeed in what she's doing. Show how she grows.
The storyfigure might need a bag. And your daughter might need one too. What kind of bag, what colour, etc. She might be frightened, just like your daughter. But then you can think up an older sister for the storyfigure, a sister that can tell that it is quite nice in school, once you get used to it.
And yes, your daughter will probably be fine in kindergarten, but thats only in three weeks. It would be nice if she and you would be fine now too.
And if you're not in to stories, or your daughter does not like them. There are other ways, just make it something your daughter likes. And trust yourself
btw. The danger of a storyfigure is that you might be asked to tell about her every night for years. But that can be fun too. (rolleyes, after a year)
Good luck
thanks hyke!
Hopefully she will turn around.
I took them to the Children's museum today and they both had a blast. When people ask her how old she is they ask her if she's getting ready for kindergarten, so the positive reinforcement that its a big girl thing helps too.
I just hope she doesn't run out of distractions...
crud...
So today was going SO well... we went the the children's museum. While the littlest one was taking a nap my soon-to-be-kindergartner and I read their new books from the library. Everything was great.
After nap we had to run an errand for Daddy and I needed to get something I needed for dinner. Next door to our grocery store is a blockbuster, we've been avoiding spending money like the plague, but I decided to give them a "movie night" treat and they both picked out a movie.
Gemma took FOREVER trying to pick out a movie, all the while whining the entire time.
To hurry her up I told her that she need to pick one in the next few minutes so we could still go to the store. She quickly picked one but the whining persisted. (I feel I should note that she really isn't the whiney type. She's usually very happy and has a positive, upbeat attitude.) So I warned her that the movie was optional and that if she continued to whine she would loose the movie privilege.
And so, of course, she whined, several times in the most un-avoidable whiney way. So I had to revoke the movie- shame on me for using that as collateral in the first place, but the whining had to stop! Then she lost it. I mean totally, guns blazing tantrum, the type you'd expect from a two year old in the candy aisle. I will say, she is rather dramatic, though she is usually very conscious of the people around her. She tried to stop me from paying, leaving the store. Obviously we didn't go to the grocery store.
So when we got home I told her to chill out in her room for a minute (she was still crying/screaming/tantruming) and that caused even more drama. I finally got her into her room and she was able to calm down and is now okay.
Is this normal kindergarten anxiety?? yikes, where did I go wrong on this one? Everyone was staring at us (couldn't blame them!) and making those "look at the lady with the crazy kid" face. (hey! I know one!)
{sigh} it'll definitely be an early night tonight! (for all of us!)
Take heart Sarah.
For what its worth my son (who’s pretty much the same age) has had his moments--his tantrums; and I’ve had people staring at us more than once. Your daughter (like my son) may be a thoughtful and sensitive soul. Some kids stumble into Kindergarten with their eyes shut, at least our kids thinking about it--they’re prepared. And will most likely find out its not half as bad as they imagine.
Concerning parenting tips--I always find distraction works; take their minds off whatever is bothering them.
But as was said earlier--you know your daughter best so should trust your instincts.
Role playing helps Alice understand what to expect when she is going to encounter a new situation. Have you "played" school with your daughter? Has she seen her future classroom? We've also had success with letting our daughter take a security item with her with the understanding that it HAD to remain in her backpack.
I did not prepare my both sons different for Kindergarten (which starts at age 3 over here), except for the fact, that my NT son was in a pre-Kindergarten group, for he had problems being apart from me. So the younger NT was a bit more routined when Kindergarten started (and he was half a year older, he started with 3.5 years the AS son with almost 3 years).
I read to them picturebooks (don't know what it's called in English, just normal kid's books with text to read and full-page pictures) about how it could be in Kindergarten and about what problems could arise (finding no friends, being afraid of mum's not coming in time to pick up the kid etc.) and how they were solved and I told them that probably most of the other kids would have the same fears. I tried to think up some good stories from my time in Kindergarten (they were few), about which game I loved to play and about what I learned there.
Here it is common that the new kids can spend a few days part time in Kindergarten and the time they stay will increase to their ability to stay there.
Sometimes kids do one or two steps backwards in their development before they can go a step further, so don't wonder if your daughter seems to behave smaller now. Psychologists say that the child has to make sure it can get back to safety and with that knowledge they can go on, being sure they can step back if they need to (hope this wasn't too confused).
If you are nervous or uncertain about the fact, that your daughter is going to attend Kindergarten soon, this might be a reason, too, for her to be nervous as well. So the more confident you are about Kindergarten yourself, the safer your daughter will feel.
If you connect her bad behaviors to the oncoming event of going to Kindergarten, she might use new situations as an excuse for bad behavior every time she can, so be carefully about making such a connection.
One of the best things you probably can do, is being sure that she will be able to manage the new situation and show this certainty to her.
The feeling about failure should be a bit like this: "Ever tried? Ever failed? Try again! Fail better!"
Sibylle
It's too late for your daughter to do what I did, but for other mother's of younger children who may be reading this, I'll add it anyway...
I introduced both my kids to classroom situations gradually. They were going to Sunday School/Nursery once a week at church - then at 3 they both started at 2x a week preschool. at 4 they were in 3 day a week preschool and by 5 they were in 5 day a week preschool or Kindergarten. Neither my spectrum son or my NT son had any anxiety leading up to school, though they both have had bouts of not wanting to go for more specific reasons that we've dealt with in other ways...
Thanks guys! It is a relief to know that you guys have been in similar situations. Today was a much better day.
We went grocery shopping (oh joy!) and to the community pool. Then, after dinner, the package with the rest of her school uniforms came in. I wasn't sure how she'd react, since its been so on and off, but she was very excited and tried her outifts on and had me take pictures.
She's really always had trouble with new situations- her fear of the unknown is rather severe.
She did go to a five-day preK last year, which is part of what makes this whole thing kinda silly, I've explained to her over and over that its just the same as preK. Though technically its not: different school, teacher and kids.
One of the books we had picked up at the library was "Ramona the Pest". I loved Beverly Cleary books when I was a kid, and now I remember why. Ramona's first day of kindergarten was the first chapter. We are now halfway through it. I think its making connections for her as far as what its actually going to be like.
I really want to take her to the school so she can walk around (the outside) and get comfortable. But its been hellaciously hot... even our pool was lukewarm this afternoon. I'll be checking the weather reports for a cool front.
I think the whining is here to stay until things blow over. {sigh} And apparently I need to keep a more vigilant eye on the tantrum "warning signs".
I also think that the most wonderful thing about the ramona book is that ramona doesn't know how to read. She's already reading and seems to know a good amount of words already, but I think that because she still needs help/gets frusterated she was worried she'd be behind her classmates.
Thanks again! Sometimes I just worry too much I think.
Update:
Started kindergarten today! They did a staggered start so there were only four kids in her class today, the first day with everyone there is Thursday.
She finally had calmed down by last week, then they had the open house and that really helped. Got to meet her teacher see her classroom, her namecard on her spot.
So she did eventually come around, though it was hard getting her there!
So she walked in today like she owned the place... and as a special surprise, a friend from her Pre-K class is in her class too! She was happy about that.
We'll see how she does! Thanks for all your help guys!
I don't know if this will be any help and I didn't send my children to kindergarten, but wherever they were going, be it school, hospital etc. I always told them exactly what was going to happen.
I did this in an age appropriate way, but didn't tell lies, If it was hospital, I would say that they would have an injection & it would hurt, but only a little bit etc.
School, I again held nothing back positive or negative and ensured that they knew precisely when breaks would be, what to do if they needed the toilet, what time I would take them & pick them up and so on.
So off they trotted quite happily
That worked for me, but on the other hand they always knew that I would tell them the truth, so they trusted me .