08-06-2007, 07:06 PM
'We'll marry, but not in 2009 - I hate 9'
WE CAN'T get married in 2009 because I hate the number nine," explains Elaine Slade patiently. "If we get married in 2009, it will all go horribly wrong and we'll get divorced."
She smiles at her fiancé, Ben Herriman, and he grins back, clearly comfortable with the arrangement. It is obvious that these two are made for each other.
Both diagnosed with Asperger's - a form of autism which effects a person's ability to communicate - Elaine, from Stow cum Quy, and Ben, from Cambridge, had found previous relationships difficult.
But after meeting in 2005 at a Christmas party organised by Red2Green - a local charity offering education and opportunities to people with disabilities - the pair of 22-year-olds are now engaged.
"The problem with other relationships was that I had to behave and be normal," says Ben. "But with Elaine I can be as mad and as weird as I like."
Sometimes coming across as rude, obsessive and introverted, people with Asperger's can have a tough time fitting in. But with each other, Ben and Elaine are free to be themselves.
"You are always worried about saying something stupid and offending people," says Elaine. "So I often think it's easier not to say anything at all. For example, if I look at a wall, I might comment on the fact there's a dot on it, but other people would notice the pictures or colour. I've got a strange eye for detail so people think I'm weird. At school I would try to fit in but it didn't work because I'd say the wrong thing. Probably something like, 'wow that's a big spot'!"
But Ben clearly doesn't think she's weird. Having experienced the same sense of isolation while growing up, they bonded immediately.
"Ben's a lot like me," says Elaine. "So quite often we'll do the same thing at the same time." They both start to snort with laughter. "We were on the bus the other day and we both said 'nutter' and bashed our heads together at exactly the same time. It made us laugh."
Although statistics are thin on the ground, it is estimated that one in every 250 people could be affected by Asperger's. Awareness of the syndrome has grown since the publication of Mark Haddon's 2003 novel The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, which brilliantly portrayed the mindset of a young boy with Asperger's.
Ben agrees that the condition makes social interaction very difficult. Luckier than many, he was diagnosed when he was 12 and taught communication techniques.
"I was sent to boarding school in Andover, where it was compulsory to learn to understand body language, facial expressions, tone of voice and sense of humour," he says. "I understand what people are feeling by deciphering codes from their faces."
Naturally an outgoing person, Ben has been teaching Elaine how to understand things that most people take for granted.
Elaine says "I've got better at it because I've spent loads of time with Ben. Now I'm better at reading his expressions than my family's. When I was younger I had the same facial expression for everything - deadpan. Even if I was making a joke that I thought I was really, really funny I still had a deadpan face."
Together the couple are becoming more confident and adept at dealing with the outside world. Having managed to get jobs together at Podium Sound on Shelford Road starting in September, Elaine and Ben have achieved huge amounts at Red2Green, demonstrating that having Aspergers is no barrier to success.
"Before I came to Red2Green I had done loads of applications for pubs and bars all over Cambridge," says Ben. "But if you put down your disability they don't call you back, which isn't good for your self-esteem. People assume that we won't be able to cope. Some people with special needs can't brush their teeth, eat properly or get out of bed. But we can go out and do work like anyone else."
Despite both having gained GCSEs and A-level qualifications from colleges in Cambridge, the couple had trouble getting on the career ladder.
Elaine signed up to Red2Green's Aspirations project - designed for people with social communication difficulties - shortly after leaving Long Road Sixth Form College four years ago. She was joined two years later by Ben.
Now the couple both work at the charities' latest project Reboot which supports people into work by recycling computers, doing real jobs in a real workplace.
"Before Reboot, I couldn't have got a job - or at least not one with people - because I just didn't have the confidence to talk to people I didn't know," says Elaine. "I also would have said the wrong thing because I'd be extra nervous. Now I'm more relaxed and confident."
Elaine wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until she was 18.
"I remember when I was 15 I had to go into hospital and I was badly treated by the nurses," she says. "They thought I was being difficult but I wasn't - they just didn't understand me."
Ben explains "Instead of just thinking things, people with Asperger's tend to say them. You can come across as blunt. It means you are always doubting yourself. You have a little pixie in the back of your head, saying - you can't do it."
When the couple met, Elaine's confidence was so low that she was incredibly timid in public.
Ben remembers "The people from Red2Green thought we'd be a good match so they kept leaving us together. At first, when she made jokes, I could hardly hear them."
During the time they have spent together since, Elaine and Ben have discovered hundreds of experiences in common; and they both agree that growing up was a nightmare.
"It was horrible, horrible," says Elaine. "No-one understood me and I understood no-one. The way everyone else behaved was different to how I would do it, so I imitated them to fit in. I tried to be loud and chirpy which felt completely unnatural and I hated it."
Ben agrees "When I was growing up, Aspergers messed everything up. Most teenagers are moody or tired, but it's four times worse with Asperger's. And it's not only other people who don't understand you - you don't understand yourself. I desperately wanted a big group of friends and a social life - people to go out with and accept me."
As children Elaine and Ben would sit and play by themselves, "not because we didn't want to join in but because we thought their games were childish," explains Ben. Bored by kid's games, they would sit and draw for hours on their own. Twenty years on, the couple are still excited about finding another person who understands how they like to spend their time.
Elaine says "When we first started going out we used to talk until 4am in the morning." Ben carries on "Yes, we talked about everything from autism, Asperger's, famous people, theories, quantum leaps and statistics. The thing is, we get each other. We can tell how the other person is feeling."
And although this experience might be commonplace for many people - to Elaine and Ben, it's still a source of revelation.
http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/fea...332d1a.lpf
WE CAN'T get married in 2009 because I hate the number nine," explains Elaine Slade patiently. "If we get married in 2009, it will all go horribly wrong and we'll get divorced."
She smiles at her fiancé, Ben Herriman, and he grins back, clearly comfortable with the arrangement. It is obvious that these two are made for each other.
Both diagnosed with Asperger's - a form of autism which effects a person's ability to communicate - Elaine, from Stow cum Quy, and Ben, from Cambridge, had found previous relationships difficult.
But after meeting in 2005 at a Christmas party organised by Red2Green - a local charity offering education and opportunities to people with disabilities - the pair of 22-year-olds are now engaged.
"The problem with other relationships was that I had to behave and be normal," says Ben. "But with Elaine I can be as mad and as weird as I like."
Sometimes coming across as rude, obsessive and introverted, people with Asperger's can have a tough time fitting in. But with each other, Ben and Elaine are free to be themselves.
"You are always worried about saying something stupid and offending people," says Elaine. "So I often think it's easier not to say anything at all. For example, if I look at a wall, I might comment on the fact there's a dot on it, but other people would notice the pictures or colour. I've got a strange eye for detail so people think I'm weird. At school I would try to fit in but it didn't work because I'd say the wrong thing. Probably something like, 'wow that's a big spot'!"
But Ben clearly doesn't think she's weird. Having experienced the same sense of isolation while growing up, they bonded immediately.
"Ben's a lot like me," says Elaine. "So quite often we'll do the same thing at the same time." They both start to snort with laughter. "We were on the bus the other day and we both said 'nutter' and bashed our heads together at exactly the same time. It made us laugh."
Although statistics are thin on the ground, it is estimated that one in every 250 people could be affected by Asperger's. Awareness of the syndrome has grown since the publication of Mark Haddon's 2003 novel The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, which brilliantly portrayed the mindset of a young boy with Asperger's.
Ben agrees that the condition makes social interaction very difficult. Luckier than many, he was diagnosed when he was 12 and taught communication techniques.
"I was sent to boarding school in Andover, where it was compulsory to learn to understand body language, facial expressions, tone of voice and sense of humour," he says. "I understand what people are feeling by deciphering codes from their faces."
Naturally an outgoing person, Ben has been teaching Elaine how to understand things that most people take for granted.
Elaine says "I've got better at it because I've spent loads of time with Ben. Now I'm better at reading his expressions than my family's. When I was younger I had the same facial expression for everything - deadpan. Even if I was making a joke that I thought I was really, really funny I still had a deadpan face."
Together the couple are becoming more confident and adept at dealing with the outside world. Having managed to get jobs together at Podium Sound on Shelford Road starting in September, Elaine and Ben have achieved huge amounts at Red2Green, demonstrating that having Aspergers is no barrier to success.
"Before I came to Red2Green I had done loads of applications for pubs and bars all over Cambridge," says Ben. "But if you put down your disability they don't call you back, which isn't good for your self-esteem. People assume that we won't be able to cope. Some people with special needs can't brush their teeth, eat properly or get out of bed. But we can go out and do work like anyone else."
Despite both having gained GCSEs and A-level qualifications from colleges in Cambridge, the couple had trouble getting on the career ladder.
Elaine signed up to Red2Green's Aspirations project - designed for people with social communication difficulties - shortly after leaving Long Road Sixth Form College four years ago. She was joined two years later by Ben.
Now the couple both work at the charities' latest project Reboot which supports people into work by recycling computers, doing real jobs in a real workplace.
"Before Reboot, I couldn't have got a job - or at least not one with people - because I just didn't have the confidence to talk to people I didn't know," says Elaine. "I also would have said the wrong thing because I'd be extra nervous. Now I'm more relaxed and confident."
Elaine wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until she was 18.
"I remember when I was 15 I had to go into hospital and I was badly treated by the nurses," she says. "They thought I was being difficult but I wasn't - they just didn't understand me."
Ben explains "Instead of just thinking things, people with Asperger's tend to say them. You can come across as blunt. It means you are always doubting yourself. You have a little pixie in the back of your head, saying - you can't do it."
When the couple met, Elaine's confidence was so low that she was incredibly timid in public.
Ben remembers "The people from Red2Green thought we'd be a good match so they kept leaving us together. At first, when she made jokes, I could hardly hear them."
During the time they have spent together since, Elaine and Ben have discovered hundreds of experiences in common; and they both agree that growing up was a nightmare.
"It was horrible, horrible," says Elaine. "No-one understood me and I understood no-one. The way everyone else behaved was different to how I would do it, so I imitated them to fit in. I tried to be loud and chirpy which felt completely unnatural and I hated it."
Ben agrees "When I was growing up, Aspergers messed everything up. Most teenagers are moody or tired, but it's four times worse with Asperger's. And it's not only other people who don't understand you - you don't understand yourself. I desperately wanted a big group of friends and a social life - people to go out with and accept me."
As children Elaine and Ben would sit and play by themselves, "not because we didn't want to join in but because we thought their games were childish," explains Ben. Bored by kid's games, they would sit and draw for hours on their own. Twenty years on, the couple are still excited about finding another person who understands how they like to spend their time.
Elaine says "When we first started going out we used to talk until 4am in the morning." Ben carries on "Yes, we talked about everything from autism, Asperger's, famous people, theories, quantum leaps and statistics. The thing is, we get each other. We can tell how the other person is feeling."
And although this experience might be commonplace for many people - to Elaine and Ben, it's still a source of revelation.
http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/fea...332d1a.lpf
